A Continuing Journey

2011-10-03T09:31:00.001-07:00

I wanted to give an update of what I see God doing these days. I am truly encouraged in so very many ways.

FIRST, Jeff's health has been improving gradually. He has been working for a company called Shimadzu, located in Canby, Oregon, doing quality inspection and metal working. He often works 5 ten hour shifts in a week which is challenging. Even so, he is very glad to be working. He has been there as a "temp to hire" since July 11th, his 64th birthday. We are hoping he will be hired as a permanent employee when he has satisfied the 500 hour temp requirement. The main purpose of his working is to secure health insurance for us both. We thank God for the measure of health He has given us in these months since we took early retirement from WorldVenture. Thanks for praying for us!

SECOND, I see God at work in people and regions we so reluctantly left in 2008. You may recall that we had several midtermers living and working with us our final year in Uganda/Sudan. Jaclyn Konczal came freshly graduated from N. Carolina State University in Feb. 2007 and stayed until Feb. 2008. She developed some lasting relationships with the nationals there in Adjumani. Her heart led her back recently for a brief visit. This past summer Jaclyn bravely traveled alone and spent about a month in Adumani (with the assistance of Pastor Henry Vuyaya of Liberty Baptist in Adjumani and Idha Michael, a university trained rural development expert who is employed by Mercy Corps in another region of Uganda, but who grew up in Adjumani) helping the women in the village surrounding Liberty Baptist Church build an oven and start a bakery project which they named The Beloved Bakery.

I cannot tell you what a great testimony this project will be to the people of Adjumani! Pray with me that God will protect and sustain this labor of love to sustain women who often have little or no income and carry such a great burden of responsibility to feed their families and pay school fees for their children. Many of the women participating are widowed or abandoned by their husbands. The gospel will be not only heard but seen as a result of these women working together. The site chosen for the bakery is right outside the door of Liberty Baptist Church.

THIRD, I've been in touch with a young man, Thomas Bell, who is seeking appointment with WorldVenture in October this year. His focus is development and discipleship in Southern Sudan. He already spent a year in Kajo Keji west of the Nile in S. Sudan and recently moved to Nimule, S. Sudan, the border town we passed through whenever we entered or exited our work area in S. Sudan. Thomas has not waited to be appointed by WorldVenture to begin building relationships as you see from a portion of the communication I recently had from him:

We've launched our program and have over 50 clients. We're having to turn people away by the hundreds, just about everyone in Nimule wants to open a savings account at the very least. I'm confident we could be serving over 1000 people with loans and 10,000 with savings within a few months if only we had the funding. Our team is learning very quickly too but I'm even holding back for what we can fund until we get our processes for the "nuts and bolts" down.

We've also had lots of interest in some of the other side projects for construction, power, water and sanitation. I've been to a number of the churches around town and had the opportunity to teach in some village churches, though the last one nearly destroyed my Hilux and cost a few million UGX to repair.

Its been a great blessing to be here and I hope to continue the work here for many years to come.

I highly recommend you follow Thomas Bell's journey in the coming days. Check out his Facebook page:

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1302050

I think you can understand why my heart is so encouraged these days seeing the love and good works He continues to inspire in the hearts of both mundu/kawaja (white folk) and Ugandan and Sudanese folk...and the building of kingdom community that has been our hope and dream. This kingdom community will indeed be one of interdependence and love which spans the planet, not to mention earth and heaven. These are just two instances of what is happening over there. I know there is so much more.

So then, be encouraged as I am. And pray for these folk joining hands and hearts to make the love of God known to those who need to be touched and embraced after years of strife and war in the dawning of peace in N. Uganda and the new nation of South Sduan. God is raising up men and women for such a time as this.

Grace and peace,

Michelle Theisen

LIVING INTO THE MYSTERY

2011-07-09T08:34:00.000-07:00

April, May, and June passed like a warp in time! Jeff has his own story to tell of those weeks which have slipped by so swiftly. If you want to know more, ask him.

Significant happenings in my life recently:

* I began volunteering in a refugee program as a class room aide for a month long summer camp for Bhutanese, Iraqi, Sudanese, Ukranian, and Cuban children who are launching into the American School system. We are trying to give them a boost in English and math skills and to love them and welcome them to our community.

* I watched from a distance of 10,000 miles the birth of South Sudan celebrating their birthday and independence today July 9th.

* I've begun caring for my adopted Mom and Dad who live in Mt. Angel so am making weekly trips to walk with them through all the challenges of being dependent on others to survive and thrive as they reach into their 8th and 9th decades of life.

This morning I realized I am launching into a new favorite book that makes me want to share it with everyone who is interested in finding that quiet place to learn more of the mysteries of life and creativity.

The book is called A Circle Of Quiet, by Madeleine L'Engle. She writes, as the book cover declares, in an "attempt..(to) explore the meaning of her life..."

I love this passage I just read this morning:

"personally, my intellect is a stumbling block to much that makes life worth living: Laughter, love, a willing acceptance of being created. The rational intellect doesn't have a great deal to do with art. I am often in my writing, great leaps ahead of where I am in my thinking, and my thinking has to work itself slowly up to what the "superconscious" has already shown me in a story or poem. Facing this does help to eradicate do-it-yourself hubris from an artist's attitude towards his painting or music or writing. My characters pull me, push me, take me further than I want to go, fling open doors to rooms I don't want to enter, throw me out to interstellar space, and all this long before my mind is ready for it.
There's a reason for that, chaps!
While Alan (her son) was in school, his science teacher was an inept young man who kept blowing things up, remarking through the stench of chemical smoke and the crashing of broken glass, 'There's a reason for that, chaps!'
I must be willing to accept the explosions which take place deep down in the heart of the volcano, sending up occasional burst of flame into the daylight of consciousness."

This passage made me laugh out loud with joy! It tickled my weird sense of humor, especially in her description of the inept science teacher. (I have memories of high school chemistry class where I have a vague memory of blowing something up myself and feeling so inept and appalled.) The joy comes from sensing the mystery of which she speaks and the expanse of what is opened by living into the mystery.

THIS NEW SEASON

2011-04-02T09:20:00.000-07:00

God heard the desire of Jeff's heart to find honorable employment and to take care of his wife of 41 years as I need health insurance. As of April 7th Jeff will be employed at Eastside Plating helping the Quality Assurance Manager in efforts to develop greater teamwork in the area of producing quality in their production lines.

I believe my part in this new adventure is to be Jeff's greatest cheerleader and prayer warrior. My challenge is to not worry or fear as I have in the past concerning Jeff's health issues but rather to believe that God is in this and that He will fulfill his purpose for us (Psalm 138:8 and Eph. 2:10). Choosing trust over anxiety and fear has always been my greatest challenge. Having watched Jeff's journey through breakdown and the courage that has brought him to this place of launching into a new season of life is truly an inspiration to me.

LEARNING FROM KIM

2011-03-23T07:03:00.000-07:00

I love this story from a La Arche community member:

"I learn a lot from Kim"

I learn a lot from Kim, whom I live with at L'Arche. When Kim was wished a Happy 41st Birthday she responded, nonchalantly, saying, "Thanks. I don’t look it." In that moment she ministered to me, teaching me what it means to be free, to be young in spirit, to tell your own story, to resist society's expectations of what it means to be a certain age or fit in a certain category. I was also touched when Kim announced her first home was here at L'Arche in Richmond Hill, her second home was in Markham (her family home) and, quite proudly, "My third home is in heaven." Although we couldn't help laughing about the mortgage on that third home, I realized a deeper theological truth--that she wasn't seeing past, present and future, but was truly living out God's vision, seeing beyond set time lines and seeing the bigger picture. When Kim was cutting tomatoes for dinner, rolling her eyes she exclaimed, "Ha! And, they thought I was handicapped!" She then went on to say how she's been proving people wrong and learning new things all along. In that moment, I realized that I too had bought into a hierarchy of people, that I had been competing and that I had been buying into "us and them" boundaries--none of which are part of true community.

Janna Payne, L'Arche Daybreak

LIFE SO FRAGILE

2011-03-15T10:28:00.001-07:00

Last week we came face to face with this reality as Hannah, carrying our first grandchild, suffered a traumatic miscarriage in her 12th week of pregnancy. Why? Not yet known. Not sure it will ever be known. But "how" Hannah and Dirk have responded in their grief is inspiring as they indeed have had a glimpse of God surrounding them, carrying them, giving comfort and perspective through their pain. Through Hannah's writing she has been able to share that grace experienced.

Grieving is not finished in a week, however. Life returns to some semblance of normal but from time to time the grief can wash over us like a tidal wave like the tsunami that hit Japan this week...perhaps to remind us how fragile is life...to lead us to look to what is eternal.

I noted in my journal the day of the miscarriage these words from Psalm 139 The Message:

"Like an open book, You watch us grow from conception to birth. All the days of our lives are spread out before you, the days of our lives prepared before we even live one day."

Twelve weeks our little grandchild lived on this earth in his mother's womb but now in heaven for eternity. It causes me to wonder and acknowledge that God's ways are so often hard to fathom. But it also leads me to trust in God's perfect love; he is the potter and we are the clay. We have been shaped in new ways because of the brief coming and the sudden leaving of a little baby, a child of God, we had opened our hearts to and will never forget.

Evelyn Glennie shows how to listen | Video on TED.com

2011-02-09T10:16:00.000-08:00

Evelyn Glennie shows how to listen | Video on TED.com

LISTENING

2011-02-09T10:06:00.000-08:00

A friend recently said that he had been talking for 30 years and thought it was time he started listening. I was impressed by that resolve.

Today I ran onto a TED video of Evelyn Glennie, a deaf percussionist and composer, who challenged me to think outside the box. She also opened my mind to the greater potential of ourselves and others if we learn to listen with our whole being. She uses music/percussion to express deep truths.

I'm processing so much lately and want to really listen to hear truth about myself and life in general but specifically related to what I am experiencing these days. I desire to listen more profoundly to hear from God as he speaks through his word and through others. I want to listen so that I not only understand him, but myself and others and have a deeper compassion that comes from truly listening.

A question a dear counselor once repeatedly asked me during weeks of therapy was: What is reality? He would never answer the question for me. But always posed the question so from time to time 30 years later I continue to ask myself the same question which I think is answered when we seek to listen.

I especially want to listen and learn to walk through the reality of aging, now that my body is weakening, with grace and peace not succumbing to despair but staying present in love and life.

Probably most important,t I want to learn to listen to others to hear and understand rather than to always feel like I need to do something to fix "IT". So if you talk to me and I start to offer advice, please stop me and remind me to just simply listen.

Listen
by Author Unknown
When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving advice,
you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I asked was that you listen.
Not to talk or do-just hear me.
Advice is cheap. Ten cents will get you both Dear Abby and
Bill Graham in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself. I'm not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and weakness.
But, when you accept as a single fact that I do feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince
you and get to the business of understanding what's
behind this irrational feeling.
And when that's clear, the answers are obvious
and I don't need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand
what's behind them.
So, please listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk,
wait a minute for your turn;
and I'll listen to you.

PRESSING ON

2010-12-22T09:45:00.000-08:00

As we come to the close of 2010, I’ve been reflecting on how it has proven to be one of the most puzzling and difficult years of our lives as Jeff’s brokenness, and mine, has precipitated the closing of a chapter of our lives in Africa and with our WorldVenture family.

I was thinking about some of the relics that mark that passage. Especially, I was thinking of the Lotuko spear and shield which Jeff was given after 2 months dwelling among those tribal people back in 1982 and how a few years later he may have participated in one of the last great hunts with the Lotuko warrior/hunters across the great savannah land near Torit, Southern Sudan… I recall Jeff’s story of walking for miles in the hot sun with hundreds of men hunting only with spears and bows and arrows resulting in his heat exhaustion and being carried out of the bush on a contrived stretcher with a procession of warriors forming a happy parade accompanying him back to his abode. Then later the next day going to the feast which followed such a hunt and running into SPLA rebels who took him hostage and threatened his life which would have been forfeit except for God and his Lotuko brothers who loved him and surrounded him, the chief arguing for his release which was eventually secured.

Twenty years later Jeff’s heart for Sudan took us back to try to help the repatriation of Sudanese who had been refugees in Uganda during the 2 decades of war preceding. I watched him pour himself out body, mind and soul for the Ugandan and Sudanese people never taking into account that his body was no longer that young buck who had gone hunting with that warrior class in 1982… Having a total hip replacement (due to the diseased disintegration of his right hip) followed by a heart valve transplant (because of the faulty valve he was born with) in 2007 which marked the opening door to Sudan with the signing of the peace agreement in Sudan and cessation of hostilities of war with the Ugandan rebels among whom we’d been dwelling since moving into Northern Uganda in 2002.

I am distressed by people who look at Jeff’s breakdown this past year as somehow being his fault…this strong, noble hearted man who never thought of himself these past decades spent in loving the destitute and poor of Africa. Some look at his body and think he must have chosen this path to brokenness by the things he ate or did not eat. When they look at him with that kind of judgment, it breaks my heart because they fail to see the great heart of a warrior, God’s warrior who spent the best years of his life offering compassion and presence to broken people.

This past year we’ve seen him raging against the devastation of his dreams and his own broken health. He did not choose to leave Africa. I dragged him off that Dark Continent to try to preserve him alive before we buried him there as he wanted.

Now we are turning a corner, hoping for renewed vision and life even as he continues to wrestle with his personal demons of PTSD and diabetes resulting from his Vietnam service with the Marine Corps over forty years ago which have so colored our lives all these decades.

Personally, I am taking Philippians 3:12-14 as my theme for 2011 pressing on, don’tcha know, as I trust God still has more life in store for us.

I am profoundly grateful for the great adventure life has been to this point.

CHRISTMAS WISH

2010-12-03T08:43:00.000-08:00

The past couple of years the Theisen family has begun sharing Christmas wish lists to make our gift giving more meaningful to the receivers.

I find myself giving God my Christmas wish list this year as I contemplate how Jesus, the one we celebrate at this time of year, walked this earth, ie. John 8:1-11, in his gentle fashion loving a woman caught in adultery, loving those accusing her, those seeking to discredit him as a religious leader.

Rather than judging the woman or turning and accusing those men who dragged the poor woman into his presence demanding that she be stoned for her transgression as the law prescribed, he simply stooped and silently drew in the sand at their feet. What message or picture we are not told. Perhaps he did so to hide his tears over their brokenness, their unbelief, their misunderstanding of what he was about. The commentator I was reading pointed out that this event must have wounded Jesus deeply seeing the fear and enmity that drove all of that ugly scene. Jesus then simply responded:

"Let he who has no sin be the first to throw a stone at her."

My wish at this Advent/Christmas time is that the Imago Dei as seen in Christ Jesus, his heart for forgiveness, reconciliation and peace, would show up in our families, communities and the world, disarming fear and enmities, the love of Jesus covering a multitude of sins. I truly believe peace and reconciliation begin in our own hearts as we experience being forgiven and discovering peace within our own selves impacting first of all our own senses, then grace and peace rippling out covering our immediate families, then into our communities and the world.

Anticipating Christmas morning when the waiting is over and desire fulfilled. I can only believe that my wish is going to be granted.

THINKING OF ADVENT

2010-12-01T14:21:00.000-08:00

Born to Hunger

Christ was born not because there was joy in the world, but because there was suffering in it. He was born not to riches, but to poverty; not to satiety, but to hunger and thirst; not to security, but to danger, exile, homelessness, destitution, and crucifixion.

His Incarnation now, in us, is in the suffering world as it is. It is not reserved for a utopia that will never be; it does not differ from his first coming in Bethlehem, his birth in squalor, in dire poverty, in a strange city. It is the same birth here and now. There is Incarnation always, everywhere.

The law of growth is rest. We must be content in winter to wait patiently through the long bleak season in which we experience nothing whatever of the sweetness or realization of the Divine Presence, believing the truth that these seasons, which seem to be the most empty, are the most pregnant with life. It is in them that the Christ-life is growing in us, laying hold of our soil with strong roots that thrust deeper and deeper; drawing down the blessed rain of mercy and the sun of eternal love through our darkness and heaviness and hardness, to irrigate and warm those roots.

The soil must not be disturbed.

~Caryll Houselander

THE POTTER AND THE CLAY

2010-11-12T10:47:00.000-08:00

It's truly been a long time since I posted to this blog. Mainly because there were tough decisions being made which I felt it necessary to keep quiet about. Now it seems things are well on their way with those decisions having been made that I feel I can begin blogging about the things impacting our lives.

Perhaps the first would be that all the tests have been done, the specialist seen and the verdict in that nothing can be done for my spine except continue with my chiropractor for palliative care. The good news was there are no signs of TB but I do have a herniated disc causing some of my distress. This may mean I need to curtail some of the walking I've been doing and try to do more stretching and perhaps water related activities. This is somewhat of a hard pill for me to swallow as walking out of doors is one of the great joys of my life and the way I have dealt with stress over the years. This old dog will have to learn some new tricks to deal with stress and enjoy life perhaps. Since the weather changed I have not been walking much and my back pain has almost disappeared. So one blessing exchanged for another, I guess.

The more important news, however, is that Jeff and I made the difficult decision to take early retirement from WorldVenture and ministry as of December 31st. This does not mean that we will not have to work. Just the opposite. We are scrambling to find employment before the end of the year since our last paycheck from WorldVenture will be December 1st. Our retirement benefits from WorldVenture are only enough to pay our car payment. We are not thinking of taking Social Security retirement benefits due to the giant cut it would mean in monthly benefits. So God willing, we will get jobs where we can work out our final years.

We both would like work that offers us consistent schedules and not too much stress as we are both still struggling with health issues, me with my back and Jeff with PTSD that doesn't go away.

I applied last Friday via the internet to Home Instead Senior Care, a privately owned franchise which offers non-medical in home care to the elderly. Things have moved very quickly with that and I've been hired and will begin with a light schedule next week. So I am getting my feet wet, so to speak. I'm hoping that I will mostly be involved in offering companionship and assistance with daily life rather than the heavier cleaning and personal care some elderly require. If I can get enough assignments each week this may work out. But it is really only part time and an on call job. It is also minimum wage. So really it is just a way to get some stateside experience for further employment, I think.

Pray Jeff won't get discouraged as he really does not want me to work. He wants to provide for me but so far has had no responses to his application and resume submitted to quite a few places in the manufacturing world. I fear it may be much tougher for him to get his foot in the door than it was for me.

God is the potter and we the clay, as we learn more about trust and patience through this, another huge transition.

DRAWN INTO THE MYSTERY

2010-10-15T07:27:00.000-07:00

What's on my mind today is not the medical mystery tour but rather the mystery of the spiritual life I am walking with Jesus. I've just begun reading a book called Drawn Into the Mystery of Jesus by Jean Vanier. At the end of Chapter 3, which is focused on John 1:35-51, Vanier wrote these words:

In this chapter of the Gospel of John, Jesus gathers around him a little group. This is the beginning of their journey with Jesus. It begins with enthusiasm: they have found the Messiah, the 'one who was to come' to liberate their people. This enthusiasm grows as Jesus does wonderful things. They believe in him more and more. He is truly the Messiah. Many of us live this enthusiasm when we begin in a community and with friends to follow Jesus. We give ourselves to an ideal. We admire our leaders and we want to become like them. This is the period of childhood in our spiritual journey. Later we will experience all that is broken in our community, in the church and in us. We will live conflicts and opposition. We will discover that it is not going to be easy to live the ideal. We will have to struggle to be truthful and free and to be servant-leaders like Jesus. We have to grow from spiritual childhood and adolescence to spiritual maturity, and discover the presence of God in the pain of reality. Later, as we move into old age, we will encounter physical weakness and even failure. Like Jesus, and with Jesus, we will be called to enter into the pits of pain, failure and rejection and into a new communication with God. We will discover the weakness and foolishness of God. The journey is just beginning for the first disciples. So, too, we are called to begin a journey of faith with Jesus.

I find myself in this depiction of this mysterious sometimes painful but glorious journey. Perhaps others will also.

NOT ALL IN YOUR HEAD

2010-10-12T12:24:00.000-07:00

I hate writing more about my medical issues but that is just part of my story right now. It turns out the pain isn't so mysterious. MRI's revealed there are issues with my spine which warrant seeing an othopedic specialist. I finally got to talk to a scheduler today but she has to verify our insurance will cover a visit to this particular office and doctor. As my PCP said to me Saturday before she left for a month's vacation, "We aren't finished with this yet." I'm not deeply concerned as I know it could be a lot worse than it is. I think my hope is now to be sure it is not caused by tuberculosis which has been my PCP's concern. Once that is settled, I can live with this and thank God that I am still very mobile walking miles at a time when the weather is nice plus fairly functional in the rest of life. I am truly grateful.

THE MYSTERY MEDICAL TOUR

2010-10-03T07:51:00.000-07:00

Now I know how Jeff feels after all his years of mysterious medical journeying through labyrinths of tests and scratching of heads. In the midst of it all, daily walking with symptoms affecting functionality, sleep and peace.

I struggle to be gracious and patient as I would choose a simple treatment of the symptoms but seek wisdom in pursing this course of medical detective work, our modern technological way, with a sense that x-rays and MRI's will only reveal that the mystery remains.

I am reminded of one of the greats who walked the earth who in his humanity suffered a "thorn in the flesh" and concluded that to keep him from exalting himself, there was given him that thorn in the flesh, a messenger to buffet him. Rather than wrestling with insurance to get his own way; he wrestled with God, asking three times to be relieved of his suffering and hearing these not so comforting words from above: "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."

His response seems phenomenal and so counter to our culture. His words are recorded: "Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore, I am well content with weaknesses...distresses...difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

Is it possible that our present sufferings are for this same purpose? That we would learn contentment and find Christ's strength in our weakness. My conclusion: Yes, it is very possible.

THERE IS A TENDERNESS THAT BATHES THE WORLD

2010-10-01T08:15:00.000-07:00

IN HIM WE LIVE

A thousand fathoms deep our life is plunged

In an exceeding plenitude of grace,

Its folly and its wretchedness expunged,

Its pity hallowed in Love's vast embrace.

Compassion like a flooding river brims

Along the canyon of the squalid street

Ample to lave and heal; and glory rims

The city skyline where dim pinions beat;

And pity like a tide engulfs the foes

Working each other havoc in the fray,

At worst the folly of children unto those

To whom a thousand years is as a day.

Love, that fanatic treasurer of hearts

Who prizes our beloved past our conceit,

Though circumstance converge on them his darts,

Shall fend their spirits in his close retreat.

There is a tenderness that bathes the world,

A peace that shelters terror in its skirt

And where the blind world's thunderbolts are hurled

Guards lest one hair of these dear heads be hurt.

The night is holy with an unseen Guest,

And with an august Lover sacrosanct,

Who stoops in care above the world's unrest,

Whose shining troop in host on host is ranked.

His condescension makes the night air sweet,

And music like a gust of fragrance blown

About our pain from unknown worlds does beat

Its strain of exultation in our own.

The authentic hope of which man grows aware

Reflects itself upon the sunset bars,

Man lends his pity to the midnight air

And presses his compassion on the stars.

by Amos Niven Wilder

Jason Gray- Blessed Be

2010-09-29T08:57:00.000-07:00

THE WAY THINGS GO

2010-09-28T15:51:00.000-07:00

No word since last writing concerning VA in patient program. Jeff has been faithful to go weekly to a symptoms management class at VA here in Portland. His counselor who has been on a month's vacation is due back next week.

I've been seeing a chiropractor to address increasing back pain. In Africa I just thought the pain was because of bad roads but it hasn't improved and seems to be getting worse. Insurance issues demanded I get a referral from my PCP to have continuing coverage. The result was that rather than giving me a referral she initiated many x-rays and labs to try to get to the root of my pain issues. The outcome is that I am seeing an Arthritis and Bone specialist tomorrow and will start taking Prednisone as there are some mild rheumatoid changes in my spine and hips and indications of autoimmune disorder which may be rheumatoid arthritis or something else. And all I wanted was to continue getting the relief my chiropractor was giving me with her gentle treatment. I'm working with our insurance to see if I can continue both the medical and chiropratic treatments at the same time although my PCP has not been willing to give me a referral.

And that's the way it's been going.

REFLECTIONS

2010-09-15T08:48:00.001-07:00

Thinking more about what sounds so romantic regarding our experience of community in Uganda from 2005-2008, I must clarify my own thoughts and confess that it was not nearly as romantic as it sounds from this distance. We had our challenges in community for the most part because of Jeff's and my own baggage. Relationships were often difficult and painful. None of us realized we were dealing with 2 people severely affected with PTSD. I look back at 41 years of marriage recognizing now how our marriage and family has been impacted. It helps a little to understand that. I think many people are amazed that Jeff and I have survived in what might be viewed as a "blighted" relationship. I know that many Vietnam vets have lost wives and families due to the relational challenges spawned by PTSD. I have to say that Jeff and I have been able to survive by God's mercy and grace. In that mercy, Jeff and I have over the years developed a deep commitment to one another which fosters incredible tolerance/compassion for one another's failures and quirks plus a depth of knowledge/understanding of each other's strengths and weaknesses.

These past weeks I've had a lot of time to think. I've taken a long, hard look at my marriage and the man God gave me. Jeff's love and trust in me are phenomenal considering the issues of his childhood (a mother and father who were so consumed by their own brokenness that they were never able to nurture and love their first born, his traumatic war experience and our own brokenness, carrying the baggage of a broken humanity, as we all do. I've also reflected on all the things that Jeff has attempted and accomplished seen in the light of the gross struggle which defeated tens of thousands of this countries veterans in the years following the Vietnam fiasco. I see now a wounded warrior. But I also see an incredibly gifted and resilient man. Even now I watch how he daily fights the shadow of despair and anxiety which lurks seeking to engulf him. A lesser man would have long ago succumbed to the overwhelming urge to withdraw totally from society and/or self destruct.

I am encouraged that the past 2 weeks we've experienced more good days than bad. The darkness has definitely receded. Jeff has begun to re-engage with people and is doing a lot of positive things with increasing regularity. I finally have a sense that our lives are stabilizing after having gone through what might be described as a "perfect storm" (def: An unusually intense storm pattern that catches some commercial fishermen unaware and puts them in mortal danger.)

HOME TONIGHT

2010-09-12T07:52:00.000-07:00

I decided to post this link from my blog because it speaks so deeply to me. It is the first time that I have actually heard Henri Nouwen speak. Isn't technology wonderful! We can hear the nuances of a man's voice even though he died over a decade ago. I've so loved his books but hearing him speak these words, words of his own journey, words that help us move closer to the HOME that knowing Jesus offers us, is truly like a warm blanket on a cold night.

http://www.henrinouwen.org/home/mediapanel/hometonight.php

I realized yesterday that I have been feeling so lonely since leaving our community in Adjumani. Our community, though set down in the harsh environment of Northern Uganda and moving into Southern Sudan, was like no other I've experienced since our early years with Norwegian Church Aide in Juba and Nairobi. It included young people from the USA and our Ugandan and Sudanese friends and colleagues. There was a focus outward away from ourselves but still bringing a sense of home and belonging in ways we have not found "at home" in the USA. It was several years of relationships which became like family. We felt safe together. We supported one another. We opened wide the door for embracing the larger community using the gifting of each individual to love and reach out to the poor, the orphans, the widows, the most vulnerable.

But our health broke thrusting us into a tailspin away from so much that seemed deeply meaningful in our lives. I understand the necessity of being in the USA. I am truly grateful for the medical care we are receiving. I treasure being near our family. And yet I've continued to feel lonely and wounded. The past week was especially hard as I've struggled with my own physical pain affecting my back and knees caused, I think, by arthritis. I've been seeing a chiropractor and will see my PCP Monday. However, for several days I was unable to even go for the walks that so help me to maintain perspective, allowing me to move out from our small apartment into fresh air.

I realize that Jeff and I have by necessity, perhaps, curtailed our social life while we struggle to find physical and emotional healing. But that very fact has deepened my sense of loneliness.

Then yesterday I discovered this message by Henri Nouwen which helps me make sense of all of this. I feel as if I have finally come home.

ENCOURAGED BY THE STORY OF ELIJAH

2010-09-05T12:08:00.000-07:00

Missed church this morning having a discussion with my beloved. The discussion failed to encourage him but I found comfort from the story of the prophet Elijah who was lonely, depressed wanting to die after very intense ministry (kind of like someone I know). The story recorded in 1 Kings 19 and 2 Kings 2, tells how God sent angels to feed him. Then God had a conversation with Elijah listening to him and speaking to him gently restoring hope and giving him Elisha to accompany him on the rest of his life journey.

Praying the same for my beloved husband trusting Psalm 23 is a true picture of how God shepherds his people.

That's the God I love!

CELEBRATION!

2010-08-30T09:17:00.000-07:00

My favorite writer, HN, wrote:

Community is characterized by two things: one is forgiveness, the other is celebration. Forgiveness means that I continually am willing to forgive the other person for not being God--for not fulfilling all my needs. I too must ask forgiveness for not being able to fulfill other people's needs....forgiveness becomes the word for love in the human context.

The interesting thing is that when you can forgive people for not being God, then you can celebrate that they are a reflection of God...You don't have everything of God, but what you have to offer is worth celebrating By celebrate I mean to lift up, affirm confirm, to rejoice in another person's gifts. You can say you are a reflection of that unlimited love....

So celebration becomes important and can be very concrete expressions of love, like birthday celebrations that simply say, "I'm happy you are there."

Today Jeff and I are celebrating 41 years of marriage. What a strange, wild ride it has been! We can honestly say that we have learned the secret of forgiving one another and today we are going to celebrate with grateful hearts saying to one another, "I am so happy you are there!"

I told Jeff this morning that today is the first day of the rest of our lives. I am praying that the rest will be the very best and I believe that it will be.

Stand By Me

2010-08-25T17:30:00.000-07:00

SELF TALK

2010-08-25T09:06:00.000-07:00

I went with Jeff yesterday to his appointment with NP Sue Hippe hoping for word concerning our application for in patient treatment. It felt like she had passed the buck to someone else, David Ryan, Jeff's caseworker. She said she checked with him and the news is only that the application was sent a week ago and the process may take more than 3 more weeks. She seemed to indicate there is a good chance that his application will be rejected. At least, that's the way I interpreted her words. She cheerfully stated that she will work with Jeff on another plan if they do reject his application.

I am examining my response to that this morning and feel next to hopeless. I feel sorry that my blog is so filled with sadness and despairing these days.

I read the manuscript this week of a man who has struggled with PTSD and depression for 60 years after his WWII experience. His description of these years included the word "tortuous". However, the bottom line of his writing was that he had come to have peace about his on going depression and all the years of torture. He is able to name his book "The Gift of Depression." I want to have that kind of resolution of these 40 years knowing the next 20 or 30 will continue to be filled with the struggle with PTSD and depression.

I am reading another book called War and the Soul, Healing Our Nation's Veterans from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, by Edward Tick Phd. He describes PTSD affected veterans as psychospiritual casualties of modern war. Not a great comfort especially as psychospiritual wounds are invisible and so easily misunderstood or never acknowledged. Ghostly stockers of unsuspecting victims and their family and friends.

And now we wait for a review board to evaluate if these ghostly wounds are viable enough to rate an intensive treatment for a man who has been battling these demons for over 40 years. I shiver as I write these words wanting to cry a river for him.

Rather I would like to say "It is well with my soul." "Trust in God not in man." Like the Apostle Paul find "God's grace is sufficient."

MAJOR RESPONSES TO THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

2010-08-23T11:25:00.000-07:00

Friends asked me yesterday how I am doing. To be honest I am not real sure. All I know is that I am trying to cope but feel very sad. Afraid, I think, if I let myself feel much that I may not stop crying. But then I say to myself, "Quit being a drama queen." So I will do some follow up here with more from the Family Ed materials to try to communicate the fallout from PTSD:

Major responses of those suffering PTSD;

Depression

Anger

Anxiety

Sleep disturbances

Tendency to react under stress with survival tactics

Psychic or emotional numbing

Loss of interest in work and activities

Survivor guilt

Hyper-alertness

Avoidance of activities that arouse memories of traumas in war zones

Suicidal feelings and thoughts

Flashbacks

Fantasies of retaliation and destruction

Cynicism and distrust of government and authority

Concern with humanistic values overlayed by hedonism

Negative self-image

Memory impairment

Hyper-sensitivity to justice

Problems with intimate relationships

Difficulty with authority figures

Emotional distance from children, wife and others

Self -deceiving and self-punishing patterns of behavior such as an inablity to talk about war experiences, fear of losing others, and a tendency to fits of rage

THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

2010-08-22T08:06:00.000-07:00

I decided today to try to help others to perhaps better understand this elephant called Combat Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was given a manual filled with related articles when I took the 7 week Family Ed course on PTSD at VA Mental Health Clinic in Portland. It suddenly dawned on me today that this is not information that many people have access to. Though, our family has been dealing with it for 40 years, we were not aware of any of this until the past few months. I hope if you know veterans returning from combat situations who are struggling with the aftermath of war or if you know families who are struggling with their beloved vets, please share this information and encourage them to seek help through Veteran's Administration. There is help available.

PSTD above all is a SOUL WOUND and is a reaction to extreme stress from modern warfare.

COMMON SYMPTOMS OF POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER

Intrusive Thoughts and Falshbacks

Replaying combat experiences in their minds, searching for alternative outcomes
Flashbacks triggered by everyday experiences: hilicopters, the smell of urine, the smell of diesel fuel, the smell of mold, the smell of Asian food cooking, green tree lines, popcorn popping, rainy days and refugees.

Isolation

He has few friends
isolates families emotionally, some geographically
Fantasies about being hermits, moving away fromt heir problems
Believes no one can understand, and no one would listen, if he tried to talk about his experiences
Isolates himself from his partner, family, and others with a “leave me alone” attitude—he needs no one

Emotional Numbing

Cold, aloof, uncaring, detached
Constant fear of “losing control,” “I may never stop crying.”
Emotional distance from children—concern about anger.

Depression

Sense of helplessness, worthlessness, and defection
Lacks self-esteem and suffers from great insecurity
Feels undeserving of good feelings
Seems unable to handle it when things are going well, and may appear to try to be sabotaging

Anger

Quiet, masked rage which is frightening to the veteran and to those around them
Sublimating the rage agains inanimate objects
Unable to handle or identify frustrations
Unexplainable, inappropriate anger

Substance Abuse

Used primarily to numb the “pain”, the memory, the guilt
Heavy use of either alcohol or drugs

Guilt—Suicidal Feelings and Thoughts

Self-destructive behavior: hopeless physical fights, single car accidents, compulsive blood donors.
Self-inflected injuries to “feel” pain—many “accidents” with power tools
High suicide rate
Financial suicide. As soon as things are well off, doing something to lose it all, or walk away from it
Survivor's Guilt—when others have died around them ask, “How is it that I survived when others more worthy than I did not? (pertains especially to medical personnel)

Anxiety or Nervousness

* Startled responses

Uncomfortable when people walk close behind them, or sit behind them
Conditioned suspicion, they trust no one

Emotional Construction

*Unresponsive to self, therefore unresponsive to others

Unable to express or share feelings, cannot talk about personal emotions
Unable to achieve intimacy with family, partner, or friends

TODAY'S PRAYER

2010-08-11T10:54:00.000-07:00

GOOD TIMING FOR A MELTDOWN

2010-08-10T12:39:00.000-07:00

Perhaps the old saying that every cloud has a silver lining is true in this continuing story of dealing with PTSD. I've watched as our networks have continued to narrow. Jeff is no longer able to go to church or home community and Saturday he had a seismic meltdown at a family event. It has been an hellish 3 days following. So even family does not seem a safe place any more and those in our beloved family do not feel we are safe to be with, either, I am sure because we all felt wounded in the aftermath of Saturday.

The silver lining turns out to be that the VA recommendation meeting was today with Sue, the VA Nurse Practitioner. We both went into the meeting with great anxiety as we had heard through David, Jeff's social services caseworker, that Sue was not inclined to pursue in patient treatment. When she met with Jeff once before, he was not in crisis mode and seemed to be alright. Little did she realize what a roller coaster we live on in our daily lives. So having had the meltdown Saturday and still dealing with the emotional devastation in aftermath, this being Tuesday, really helped as she listened to the realities we are dealing with and how our support status, church and family, is shrinking and I, who have to be the last resort in dealing with the fall out of the melt downs am nearly to the end of my strength.

When she told us that she was recommending 2 outpatient programs, one of 8 weeks and the one to follow a 12 week course AND that it would not begin until September 7th, I finally spoke up in a shaky voice and trembling body, to once again express how we have been requesting in patient treatment for months now and it was not just Jeff who needs care. I point blank asked her, "How are you going to help US?!!!"

She at that point turned to her computer, making an abrupt turn in her thinking, and said she is going to put in an application for two in patient programs, one in Seattle and one in Palo Alto, California to see what the waiting period is for those programs. She is filling out the applications herself. It was such a huge relief knowing that she heard and she was really doing something that we've been begging for since February.

It still may be weeks before Jeff gets into intensive treatment and seems such a shame as they kept telling us the waiting period is up to 5 months; whereas if they had done this in February we would have been far down the road rather than just beginning. But that is the reality of this system where one just has to keep bumping into the wall and trying to figure out where the door really is. I feel like we finally found the door today. Now I pray that it really and truly opens as we truly believe in the expertise and the compassionate care given our veterans who are struggling with Combat PTSD and related issues.

Thank God for the silver lining of that terrible meltdown this past Saturday. It allowed Jeff and I to really express ourselves at a very critical time in this process.

NOTICEABLE PROGRESS

2010-07-28T15:57:00.000-07:00

Did I mention that we are on medical leave from WorldVenture as of July 12th to be re-evaluated October 12th? This has given me space to really focus on self-care. I am seeing a wonderful therapist each Monday to help me deal with "Burnout." Yes, I guess, I am. I've seen this therapist 3 times now just getting to know one another. Next week she wants me to talk about what it was like before "Burnout". I am not sure how to address that as I'm not sure how long I've been dealing with "Burnout." Anyway, it gives me food for thought this week.

I've also been seeing a chiropractor as a result of my therapist asking me last week what step I would take for self-care. I've been suffering back pain for months now and relying heavily on over the counter pain meds and prescription muscle relaxants to get me through each day and night. After only 3 treatments and some pretty hefty nutritional supplements (Perhaps going vegetarian was not the best for me?), I am nearly pain free. Well, maybe not pain free, but I have not needed any pain meds for 2 days now.

As for my beloved Marine, he has been seriously engaging in his ACT therapy and has accepted that he is doing something valuable with his time and life with learning to "stay present" and live each moment alive to his feelings not stuffing, avoiding, or escaping. I've seen tremendous movement the past week. He also set a goal of walking miles each week. Last week he logged 13 miles and this week he hopes to beat that with the aide of new shoes and orthodics which have relieved much of his back pain.

We're not far down this path yet, but there is noticeable progress, for which I am very grateful.

Mumford & Sons - Awake My Soul (Toad Session)

2010-07-28T13:13:00.000-07:00

Where the Wild Things Are

2010-07-24T09:31:00.000-07:00

The week has had its ups and downs as life does. But dealing with PTSD means the lows can be so low one might feel one is in the darkest possible place imaginable where all manner of frightful creatures might suddenly leap out of the dark to attack. So much FEAR!!! As I began to write about it I thought of this book I used to read to our boys when they were children.

Praying that we will reach that point of taming the monsters with the magic trick of staring them in their yellow eyes.

TODAY AT VA

2010-07-13T16:17:00.000-07:00

Jeff was evaluated again for the PTSD by a third VA Nurse Practitioner today. This lady seems to have the power to call the shots for treatment. We did not understand the reason for this evaluation or I would have gone in with him. He said he found it confusing because she does not know David Ryan with whom Jeff has been meeting the past month (Very odd, as they work in the same office) nor had she read Jeff's file. She did give him another appointment for August 10th when she said she will give her recommendations and said he definitely has PTSD. Small comfort at this point.

I had warned Jeff that he would NOT feel warm fuzzies from this nurse as I got to know her during the Family Ed course I took through VA. I was right. He did not feel warm fuzzies at all. He did seem to find his appointment with David Ryan helpful again today, however. Thank God for David. It is reassuring that Nurse Sue said she will be talking with David before making her recommendations.

I pray for God's good and perfect will in Jeff's journey with VA.

A LITTLE BETTER

2010-07-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

We're doing a bit better here. Jeff's out patient counseling is going fairly well. I start counseling tomorrow with a new counselor, a woman, who was recommended to me through Gary Bershears, a prof at Western Seminary. I'm looking forward to growth on my own journey through looking at the past.

We've been having some good family time with our kids and Jeff's extended family. Other than that we've been trying to exercise going to a park most afternoons for a mile or so walk. My body has been so affected by all the stress even that short walk has become a bit of a challenge but is getting better, I think. I can hardly believe we were doing monthly trips into Sudan when now it seems almost as challenging to do the simple things we are doing to try to get our health back. I realize we do what we have to do in the moment and find God supplies the strength. For that I am grateful. God is real and present to me these days.

RECONNECTION

2010-07-05T10:17:00.000-07:00

Sunday started off poorly as Jeff did not sleep well so was unable to go to church. I forced myself out the door for the second Sunday in a row knowing I have to do this as an act of worship not for social reasons. Socially, I would be inclined and am, to withdraw as I've pretty much depended on Jeff for 40 years to break the ice for me in large groups of people.

At church, I sat prior to the beginning song, in a seat with people I did not know thinking how spiritually and emotionally disconnected I felt.

Then my heart reconnected as a young man spoke of his experience, while sitting on the porch with a refugee family being resettled here in PDX, hearing 6 shots; they rushed around the corner finding Billy Moore shot dead.

The young man went on to tell how a few dollars from Imago Dei CC's "Change for A Dollar" offering was used to touch the life of Billy's sister and other family members.

It also rings in my mind as Rick's message spoke of our identity in Christ who has declared we are salt and light as we follow Him. God held the salt shaker again this week using small things and that young man's presence with Billy's family that meant a whole lot to those who lost their brother and mother the same day.

Putting a few dollars in a bucket strategically placed at the communion table where we reconnect our hearts with the one who experienced death and resurrection for us, and, also, connecting my heart with the lives of those God chooses to touch helps me to know that I am part of something much bigger than myself and my own problems.

CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR
By Rick McKinley

Practicing Resurrection

As Easter was approaching this year I started thinking about how we could practice resurrection all year long. Sometimes we have to fight to keep ourselves living into the resurrection; new life is not always the dominant experience we have. We need tangible ways to remember that in the midst of a dying world, new life is breaking in and it started with Jesus who overcame not only our sin on the cross but our death as well.

I was looking for some kind of experience that we could participate in as a whole community that would remind us each week that Jesus is alive and breaking into the world in us, through us and for us. My friend Don was at John Weece’s Church, Southland Community in Lexington KY. He told me John asks his congregation each week to give one dollar to a particular offering. They take that entire offering and give it to someone in need outside of their church.

I had my handle on how we would practice resurrection. We stole John’s idea (thanks for your creativity John and the courage of the people of your community as well!!!).

Change for a Dollar
We named the initiative Change for a Dollar and I shared that each week we are going to take an offering and all we want from each person is one dollar. We have these big metal pails with stickers that say Change for a Dollar. Each week we are then able to share the story from the week before, of whom the money went to and how God made change for a dollar through his resurrection people.

GIRL TIME

2010-07-03T11:04:00.000-07:00

I'm going to hang out with my friend Erin Carkner. Looking forward to Tao Tea and some great girl time. I've so missed having the female companionship and community we had in Northern Uganda. There is nothing like living in close community with others. It can be like a little bit of heaven on earth. I am so grateful for the community experiences I have had in the past.

SEARCHING FOR BALANCE

2010-07-01T12:51:00.000-07:00

Things seem a little better this week. But still we are keeping life very simple as we try to find a little bit of a balance to life. We've been exercising each morning...Jeff in the little workout room here at our apartments and I walking about a mile to a little park. In the afternoons Jeff is giving me a lot of joy by going with me to another little park to which we drive. There is a trail there that measures .6 mile so is a good second walk of the day. Today we may do 2 laps around.

Yesterday afternoon, rather than walking, we went to the mall to look for a pair of new shoes for Jeff as his heals are beginning to bother him. We did get some walking in at the mall and found a pair of shoes, too. I'm so glad to see that he is finally hitting his stride again. It was a long healing process since the hip replacement 3 years ago.

Today he was saying he needs to find a job to produce "widgets." In other words, he's bored. I actually think it is a good thing as he's moved away from that dark inner place he's been of late. But I suggested that we think of getting hobbies rather than changing careers right now. He seemed to agree to that. So we're going to research parks in the area to visit then also research hobbies on line. He's a great one for researching things before launching into anything.

You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth

Henry Louis Mencken

NEW UNDERSTANDINGS

2010-06-24T10:32:00.000-07:00

This is an amazing awakening learning about Combat PTSD and especially the PTSD generated from the Vietnam campaign. I find it has given me a new lens through which to view a lot of our personal history the past four decades. It's as if we were in the dark for over 40 years and the day is dawning. It is neither good nor bad. It's just the way it is. But how do we integrate our past with the present? That's the assignment, don'tcha know.

It's as if Vietnam lives on in the hearts and minds of those who served in that terrible war and so colors the way they look at the world. There is a ghost that stalks each one and unbeknown to family and friends touches the lives of all who are in the veteran's lives. It is fear, depression, anxiety and especially cynicism that grips the soul of this countries sons and daughters of the 60's and 70's. I am glad to finally understand a little and to now walk more in touch with the continuing emotional pain left as the unrepairable wound of a war that betrayed them.

If anyone wants to gain new understanding, just read Out of Night, The Spiritual Journey of Vietnam Vets by William Mahedy, a Vietnam vet who served as a chaplain in the war and has been helping Vietnam Vets ever since. Or if you can stand to read the all too realistic depiction of the war itself, read Matterhorn, A Novel of the Vietnam War by Karl Marlantes born in Seaside, Oregon and a decorated hero of the war. Jeff is reading it and wanted to read aloud to me. I could only stand about 5 minutes of the saga before I had to ask him to stop. I realize, however, it has deep meaning for him as he makes this journey inward in confronting that long distant experience of his own buried past. Now I pray he'll be able to walk through that dark night and come through with a fresh grasp of the grace and mercy of God which kept him and has kept us these past 41 years.

WINDOW OF HOPE

2010-06-15T13:59:00.000-07:00

Jeff had his first counseling session this morning with a VA counselor. Jeff has invited me to stay with him during the counseling so I got to see how it went. I have to say it was the best piece of counseling I have ever had the privilege of witnessing. I have never seen Jeff so engaged by anyone like he did today with David Ryan. I am so very grateful! My hope and prayer is that it will just build from here.

Tomorrow we see Deb Wilson his prescribing nurse and she's going to do more along the counseling line than she has to date. I know Jeff likes her and should do well with her, too. But she's going to probe a little so it should be interesting as David's assignment for Jeff the rest of this week is to try to stay present with his emotions and note what is going on with his thoughts and reactions. He helped Jeff better understand what PTSD is and will be working with him to help identify how it is specifically impacting him. I've learned through the Family Ed class that for each person who struggles with PTSD their journey is unique to them. I learned some things about Jeff just sitting listening to his dialogue with David that I never before understood about his thoughts and beliefs.

I think today has opened a window of hope that we've not felt before now.

PERSPECTIVES ON OIL SPILLS

2010-06-15T07:26:00.000-07:00

BODO, Nigeria (Reuters) - Using two large yellow tubes to funnel polluted water into his small wooden boat, Nigerian teenager Daniel Muukor helps to "mop up" the latest oil spill in the creeks of the Niger Delta.
But Muukor is not part of Nigeria's federal response effort to contain the spill -- the 15-year-old is stealing the oil to sell on the black market.
The only evidence of a clean-up effort in the creeks of Bodo is an abandoned orange containment boom the length of two canoes floating nearby, which residents say was placed there by oil company workers, not the government.
No robotic submarines to contain the spill, no high-profile government investigation into the cause, and no compensation handed out to affected communities.
This is Nigeria, not the United States.
Daily news coverage of the U.S. government's all-out fight to contain the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, the country's largest environmental disaster, only reminds Nigerians of the type of arsenal rich countries have at their disposal.
"In the U.S., they have a response from the government. But in Nigeria, there is no response," said John Nyiedah, assistant secretary for the town's main youth group.
"They keep saying they will come today, they will come tomorrow. But they never come."
Millions of gallons of oil have poured in the U.S. Gulf since an April 20 offshore rig blast killed 11 workers and blew out a BP Plc well.
The spill has soiled 120 miles of U.S. coastline, imperiled multi-billion dollar fishing and tourism industries and killed birds, sea turtles and dolphins.
President Barack Obama has pushed BP to compensate spill victims, while U.S. lawmakers have accused the firm of taking risky shortcuts on its blown-out well.
OIL SPILLS
In the Niger Delta, home to Africa's biggest oil and gas industry and thousands of miles away from the U.S. Gulf crisis, oil spills have been left to fester for decades, polluting the air, soil, and water of impoverished communities.
No one knows for sure how much oil has seeped into the rivers and creeks of the Niger Delta, but environmentalists say the ecological impact over time in one of the world's largest wetlands is much worse than in the United States.
"The oil spills in the Niger Delta are more than what has happened in the Gulf of Mexico," said Alagoa Morris, field monitor for Environmental Rights Action in Bayelsa state.
"Some Nigerian spill sites are allowed to spew crude oil into the environment for up to two months."
But President Goodluck Jonathan's administration disagrees, saying its oil spills are much smaller than in the United States and are usually clamped within a few days.
"The kind of situation we have in the Gulf of Mexico, we haven't had that in 10 years in Nigeria," Environment Minister John Odey said.
"It is a fallacy for some people to compare the spill in the Gulf of Mexico to what happens here."
Oil firms say many recent spills were caused by militant attacks or saboteurs tapping into pipelines to steal crude.
The largest operator in Nigeria, Royal Dutch Shell, says it cleans up oil spills as quickly as possible whatever their cause but says it is sometimes delayed by security concerns or because communities deny access.
The Anglo-Dutch giant said its joint venture in Nigeria lost almost 14,000 tonnes of oil through spills last year alone, largely because of attacks on its facilities.
UNEMPLOYED FISHERMEN
Bodo, located just outside Nigeria's oil hub Port Harcourt, is one of several oil communities in the Niger Delta that has been devastated by years of oil spills.
At the town's creeks, children emerge from playing in the water with beads of oil stuck to their skin, while a handful of unemployed fishermen stare at the dead black-stained plants that line the shore.
"Two years ago, I was fishing everyday but that stopped because of the spillage of oil," said Innocent Tonwee, a 46-year-old father of four. "We're totally frustrated. I don't know what to do."
Some residents say they have no choice but to turn to the lucrative but illegal trade of crude oil theft, known locally as bunkering, to make a living.
"There are no fish to catch. I have no choice. This is my living now," Muukor said, dressed in oil-stained plaid shorts, his yellow T-shirt tied around his head to block the sun.
The teenager can make up to 10,000 naira ($67) a day collecting polluted oil, a decent wage compared to most of Nigeria's 140 million people who make less than $2 a day.
Muukor will take his oil-filled canoe to one of the many illegal refining sites, easily found by the smoke clouds billowing from the mangroves throughout the creeks.
There, the oil will be boiled and purified to be sold for cooking or to fuel generators.
Bunkering has also helped fund criminality in the Niger Delta, where kidnappings for ransom and carjacking are common.
Unrest in the region has kept the OPEC member from pumping much above two thirds of its 3 million barrels per day oil capacity, costing sub-Saharan Africa's second biggest economy billions of dollars in lost revenue each year.

FIREFLIES OF MY MIND

2010-06-12T07:55:00.000-07:00

Now I have time, I want to organize all my journals from over the years. This week I've been reading what I wrote on corresponding days in 2008.

Jeff and I were on a road trip into Sudan with Hal Hansen, a geologist from Ukiah, California, to evaluate boreholes in the Magwi area where we were trying to open the SudanVenture Resource Center to help the resettlement of thousands of refugees being repatriated from Uganda. My journal entry reminded me of the exhaustion of the 8 or 9 hour journey of about 100 miles to our work area the day before. It was night by the time Jeff and I got to our camp and set up our air beds in the grass thatched hut we called home there. A memory captured in my journal brought back the earthy smells, the sounds of silence punctuated with wild bush noises and emotions of that night, feeling amazed to find myself in this place where few white women would ever walk, the privilege of being there and the sense of being totally overwhelmed and full of fear for the wellbeing of hundreds of thousands of people returning to their devastated land after decades of war. I wrote:

June 12, 2008

"We went into town for dinner (beans, rice & fish) then to settle Hal and his daughter and her best friend, Katie, at the rustic Magwi Guesthouse where the only security was a nail in the woodwork to twist round to keep the door from blowing open in a strong wind. As we walked through town people warmly greeted us. The chief of Panyakwara threw his arms around Jeff and hugged him several times. Francis, our Sudanese Co-Director, said people are encouraged to see Kirsten and Katie...young white women coming to visit. Even at the Sudan border I could see people were excited to have some youth coming. The young Sudanese immigration officer commented on how young the girls are (they had just graduated from high school having not yet turned 18).

Thank You, Lord, for encouraging us and the people of Sudan Thank You for the courage of these young American women and their willingness to 'rough it' with us.

Back at our site, Jeff and I had to set up our beds after dark and were challenged by our exhaustion but managed and were happy to get to bed. Fireflies rested on my mosquito net giving an illusion of a starlit night."

DEFINITELY NOT

2010-06-11T07:24:00.001-07:00

Whew! Yesterday was one of those days where hyper-vigilance kicked in and my nerves were zinging most of that day into the evening. I decided I should confirm with the people at Link Care in Fresno that we would indeed have the care we need to follow up after seeing the VA Mental Health people here who have been trying to adjust Jeff's meds to get him stabilized. I wrote an e-mail asking if Link Care could assure us that there would be a doctor available to track with us on that issue. I included my phone number in the e-mail so very soon I received a phone call from the administrator we had been working with to get into the Link Care Program. I was asked, "What's going on?" as if our mission and I had not been communicating the dire straits we've been in with Jeff's intense struggle with PTSD including the rage and depression that are common with it. I proceeded to explain the very emotional ride we've been on for the past 5 months and that I wanted to be sure there would be proper care for Jeff when we arrived in Fresno. I could hear the administrator madly typing taking notes at his computer as I talked. Then he asked if Jeff would be a threat to other missionaries during our stay at Link Care. I assured him Jeff is not a violent man. He also quickly stated that he was not sure the Link Care program would be appropriate and worth the huge amount of money, that is, it may not be beneficial, for us at this point. So I asked, "Are you telling me that we should not come down this weekend? That we were planning to leave Saturday to arrive Monday. And can you assure me that there will be a prescribing doctor who can work with us on the meds?" He quickly said, "No." Meaning we should still, at that point, plan to come. And, "No", we could not count on having a prescribing doctor's care. I said, "Well, then, the door is closed." He said, "Let's not be hasty." He wanted to talk with the program director about our issues and that he would get back to us.

At quarter past 3, when Jeff and I were ready to leave for his VA Mental Health appointment, the Link Care administrator called and read a statement that they would require a written note or document stating that Jeff is medically stable, able to do 13 hours of counseling per week including group sessions and that he would not be a threat to the other missionaries in the Link Care community.

Okay! Now we had something to go on. I was grateful.

At VA not only did we meet with the Nurse Practitioner who has been prescribing meds; she brought in the Social Services man who has been looking into helping us figure out the plan for PTSD In-Patient treatment either in Tacoma or somewhere else. We told them what was asked of them by Link Care and we were assured that Jeff is NOT medically stable enough to go into that kind of counseling setting. They asked if we would like to now step up the VA out-patient treatment which is required as preparation for the In-Patient Treatment. David, the Social Services man, explained that due to the nature of PTSD there were criteria that they have to meet through preparing the Vet to learn how to move away from their "Fight or Flight" coping mechanisms so that they won't bale out of the more intense In Patient program where they must deal with painful inner wounds.

So at last, it feels like we are in the system. AT LAST! THANK GOD! Jeff and I had been praying that God would close and open doors for us as we did not feel we were wise enough nor healthy enough to make those decisions on our own. That is why we were leaning into our member care at WorldVenture. I so appreciated the prayerful way they were approaching it, as well. So the door to Link Care was definitely closed yesterday and the door to VA treatment seems definitely opened. I cannot tell you how much peace that gives us both. We have 2 appointments in place next week to begin the deeper work of symptom management which is their expertise with Combat related Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and they will continue to track Jeff's meds. Now we pray that we'll be able to grow spiritually and recover some sense of wellbeing emotionally and physically through this next phase of the journey.

DEVELOPING PLAN

2010-06-07T10:34:00.000-07:00

We finally figured out the details of going to Link Care. Link Care is a Christian Counseling Center in Fresno, California. It's been so difficult as our emotions have been at play in all of this. There is a lot of fear in facing doing something that will probe the inner places of our phsyche and selves. It seems so much easier to isolate and just avoid facing the realities of loss and pain.

I'm praying for a sense of peace as all of this is a bit overwhelming. We will be there beginning June 14 for possibly 2 months of treatment. I am praying for the journey down there as we are already exhausted and then for humble hearts to engage in the treatment program they have for us there. Bottom line, I am praying for healing in both our lives. Link Care is specifically focused on dealing with missionary burnout. I feel we have never taken time to step back and get perspective after leaving our ministry in Africa. We've experienced a lot of loss and need time to work through the grief and to get perspective on life now. It may not address the PTSD but maybe it will touch on that broken place, too, if we can allow ourselves to go there with the counselors.

I have to admit I am challenged to my core to keep hoping. I continue to cling to the words of King David: "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord."

With Grateful Hearts

2010-05-29T09:06:00.000-07:00

According to Professor David Blight of the Yale University History Department, the first memorial day was observed by formerly enslaved black people at the Washington Race Course (today the location of Hampton Park) in Charleston, South Carolina. The race course had been used as a temporary Confederate prison camp for captured Union soldiers in 1865, as well as a mass grave for Union soldiers who died there. Immediately after the cessation of hostilities, formerly enslaved people exhumed the bodies from the mass grave and reinterred them properly with individual graves. They built a fence around the graveyard with an entry arch and declared it a Union graveyard. The work was completed in only ten days. On May 1, 1865, the Charleston newspaper reported that a crowd of up to ten thousand, mainly black residents, including 2800 children, proceeded to the location for included sermons, singing, and a picnic on the grounds, thereby creating the first Decoration Day (which later was renamed "Memorial Day")

My heart is grateful today for all those who have gone before to fight for freedom and justice some sacrificing their lives and all their own peace for us. I remember the families who have suffered deep wounds from the loss of their beloved sons and daughters. I remember men and women and their families who continue to suffer the impact of war in their daily lives from PTSD and other wounds of war. This year has given a whole new meaning to Memorial Day.

Happy Day

2010-05-27T10:38:00.000-07:00

Yes! We had one yesterday. Jeff felt well throughout the day with only one bought of dizziness in the middle of the day. At least, that's all that he told me about. He spent time with our beloved Pastor, Josh Butler, talking missions. He came home so encouraged.

We also stepped things up in our transition to America and got a 37" LED flat screen TV from rewards we've earned from our Credit Union. Now we can see the small print on the screen from our chairs. Are we getting old or what?! No need to comment more on that note.

As for me, I had 3 delightful and encouraging telephone chats with ladies I love. One called specifically to pray with me over the phone and the other wanted to know how our home community can care for us without causing us more stress. I feel loved and cared for with another dear friend, JK, from Uganda days sending me a lovely e-mail to encourage us.

Today I got to take Dylan and Kim to the airport as they launch their vacation/second honeymoon to France. We talked of things they plan to do and see. It is great to see how stress free they were as they had organized well, thanks to Kim's great gifting.

Today seems so much brighter than yesterday thanks to all our family and friends. Reminds me that indeed God is present with us and hears our cries not necessarily for what we want when we want it but in bringing loving people alongside when we most need them.

Link Care

2010-05-26T10:29:00.000-07:00

We've turned in our application to Link Care in Fresno, California. The soonest we can get in is June 14th and they aren't sure about that. I'm feeling weaker as Jeff gets a little stronger. Odd how that is. New meds and commitment to exercise are helping him, at last.

Yesterday Jeff and I went out for some quiche at Cooper's Coffee (not the best place to talk as I can't hear over all the clatter of the baristas) but we did have a brief meaningful conversation about the impact of PTSD on our spirituality. There is loss even in that very core area of our lives where we are deeply wounded and challenged to believe there is God. Challenged to believe that he really cares. The only thing that keeps us connected is knowing he is present with us through it all. Like Jeff said, however, "We know the words which we have shared with others in their dark places." Numbness robs the words of their force and even of a sense of truth in them. I keep telling myself: This, too, shall pass. I am so very tired, though.

The VA Family Ed class seemed bleak this week as the facilitator said it is a travesty the VA cannot get Jeff into in-patient treatment when he is ready and willing to do so. The only suggestion was to call our congressman. Just can't seem to get up enough energy to do so.

We Will Be Fine

2010-05-22T08:40:00.000-07:00

We seemed to hit a brick wall Wednesday with VA and finally realized that we needed to re-evaluate: the reality is that the VA is a big overburdened, broken system. As God so often does, He sent help at just that moment and a sense of humility which called us to reality.

Audrey Mueller, our dear WV Interim Director of Recruitment and Connie Befus, from WV Paraclete Center stepped up yesterday and are helping us to investigate and prepare the way for going south to Link Care. Connie is interfacing with Paul Otto, our friend who works for VA in California, to try to understand the issues with Jeff's PTSD so that is very helpful.

It makes me think of Jesus' words to Peter in John 21:18 though he was indicating what type of death Peter would experience. It seems comparable to our experience as we find we must die to our own way and submit (OH HOW I HATE THAT WORD!) to those over us as though they are God's angels to us.

All this to say, we will be getting more help sooner than later; so we are going to be fine.

Wounded Heart

2010-05-18T15:27:00.000-07:00

Jeff spent a couple of nights in VA Hospital last week while they monitored and tested him for heart failure as he had symptoms which would have led one to believe he was going there. After all the tests and hours of monitoring he was deemed out of danger. No blockages only a slight heart murmur possibly just blood passing through the heart valve? What the testing could not detect was that his heart is wounded not physically speaking but in every other way.

King David wrote in Psalm 109:21-23 of his own similar experience at a time when he was under great duress. It touched me deeply as I read his words this morning.

O Sovereign Lord, deal well with me for your name's sake; out of the goodness of your love deliver me, for I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me. I fade away like an evening shadow; I am shaken off like a locust. Help me O Lord, my God.

Last night I learned more about PTSD and it's treatment. Central to PTSD is loss: loss of identity, loss of innocence, loss of familiar things, loss of time when all the world seems to shift, loss of relationships and connection, loss of significance, loss of vision and mission, loss of brotherhood with those left behind, loss of purpose, loss of a sense of connectedness with God, loss of self-esteem, loss of home, loss of friends. In the loss, arises the need to grieve. Need to access the emotions tied to those losses even though numb and unable to feel. With treatment perhaps then to integrate who he was before with who he is now and to recognize growth. I learned it is a process, a journey which takes time.

But in the meantime looking for some significant help with the process and the journey, we wait. I watch with some anxiety; will help come soon? I wait with sadness as I see the world move on leaving my wounded soldier in the margins.

Last night Jeff received a phone call at 10 p.m. which moved him to go to his office today and clear out his things to make room for someone who needs that space.

Left a message with the RN at the Mental Health Clinic this morning asking what to expect in the way of treatment? Are they tired of hearing from us? No one has returned that call. Hoping it's just that they are still working on the scheduling.

This afternoon I called his Primary Care Doctor at VA to make an appointment to follow up after his hospital stay. As I spoke with the doctor's office and it became apparent no appointment is available that my heart is pierced as I hear Jeff say, "They don't want to see me?" The doctor will be reviewing Jeff's file and will set up a phone appointment rather than an office visit. After that kind of day, he's gone to bed "not feeling well". My heart is so sad for him today as we wait.

LEARNING

2010-05-11T11:25:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am finally learning more about this VA system we are trying to launch into. Today I finally called the Billing Information number and found out why we've not been receiving any bills from all the office visits both for the mental health and the primary care. There is good news here! Jeff is in a priority catagory that allows him to receive services both for out patient and in patient services free of charge. What a relief! We thought we were going to be hit with some incredible bill with the numerous office visits we are making. It is wonderful to have that cloud removed from over our heads.

I also have placed a call to the clinic and am waiting for them to call back with hopes of hearing something concerning scheduling further treatment as it has been 2 weeks tomorrow since we last were seen by the Nurse Practitioner. It took learning how to work through the VA system phone numbers and extensions to actually raise someone in person in the clinic.

Another positive is that the Family Ed group really met yesterday with mothers', a father and spouses' of soldiers effected by PTSD ranging from Viet Nam to Korea and Iraq service. I think the major thing I took away from this first class is that Viet Nam vets have coped with their PTSD for decades but when their health fails, or life changes such as a death of a spouse, retirement or, in our case, the end of a ministry shakes their world they are robbed of their coping skills. I was assured, however, that there is hope through treatment for these dear soldiers. Next week we are going to learn about the treatments being used to help the victims of PTSD.

Random thoughts

2010-05-06T09:05:00.000-07:00

"In quietness and trust is your strength>"

When I am anxious and fretting because things do not move according to my own timing and plan, I am weak, frazzled and find lots of aches and pains in body, mind and spirit. Oh to trust! “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well,”

Oh to live in the moment and to live it well not enslaved by all the "if onlys" or "what ifs". Today I want to live well in quietness and trust.

In some of my reading today, I discovered the good news that gerontologists have categorized old age into 3 stages: 65-74 year olds are the young old, 74-84 are the old old, and 85 and over are the oldest old. That means I AM NOT YET OLD!!!! I just thought I was. Ha!

As the bumper sticker says, "Don't believe everything you think!"

On the other hand, Uganda just lowered retirement age from 60 to 55. I guess old age is categorized differently depending on where you live. That means if I still lived in Uganda I would be old but since I now live in the USA I am not old.

I think the issue is not whether or not one is old but how one lives whether young or transitioning into old. A book I am beginning to read, The Gift of Years, Growing Older Gracefully, I anticipate will help me to live creatively,remaining open not closed, humble and able to listen but also willing to give of oneself. I may be writing more on this subject as time goes by.

False Start

2010-05-04T08:20:00.000-07:00

I went to VA yesterday for the scheduled Family group but it was a false start as only 3 of us showed. The facilitators apologized but said 3 is not enough for a group. Maybe next Monday, they said. Disappointed? Yes, but it just seems waiting is par for this course. We are still waiting to hear from Deb Wilson with a definite schedule for Jeff's treatment plan. Maybe today. Sigh!

LET'S WORK ON ME

2010-04-28T11:43:00.000-07:00

Ironically, we did not get any farther today with VA concerning Jeff's treatment program scheduling. It seems the Admissions Coordinator is on vacation or something. But one outcome of our appointment today was that there is an opening in a Family Education Group meeting on Monday's in the same complex where Jeff has been seen. So next Monday I get to start working on me:)!!!

The first piece of homework literature I was given is called "After the War for wives of all veterans" The first paragraphs really spoke loudly to me:

AFTER THE WAR
Hundreds of thousands of women are facing a silent war, one which has been fought by millions of women before them.

Since the Gulf War, many of those millions of women are fighting it again.

Wives and families of veterans still fight this war alone, in our own homes, untrained, ignorant of the real enemy which once had no name and wasn't supposed to exist.

That enemy is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Many veteras spend the rest of their lives struggling with frightening symptoms and feelings--or the lack of feelings--brought on by traumatic stress. Those symptoms are the forces against which we may fight for the rest of our lives.

The rest of the booklet just continued to set off bells of understanding in my head and heart. I'm so glad we are finally getting this thing out of the closet where we can get help.

Thank God!

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

2010-04-27T09:04:00.000-07:00

PTSD

Forty years after Jeff's service in Viet Nam we have recently learned that some of his health issues are directly related to Post Traumatic Stress experienced under fire there and Agent Orange which was a defoliant which also resulted in our troops years later being afflicted by Type II diabetes and heart disease.

A friend who works for VA informed us that the government is now acknowledging the realities of suffering for these war vets and offer compensation. We are also in the process of accessing health care for Jeff's long standing health issues which have been even more pronounced this past couple of years resulting in his physical and mental anguish.

We've been struggling along trying to "keep on keeping on" in our new role as Mission Coaches with WorldVenture but the reality is that Jeff's health issues (and mine which also are being defined as either PTSD from being in war zones or Burnout from the extreme stress over the years) are affecting our ability to do the ministry well. It has been a long road trying to figure out the best path and what health care options to pursue. Our mission wants us both to go to treatment center in Fresno, California called Link Care, but we've been advised by others that the PTSD treatment program through VA would be more beneficial as a starting place with Jeff's issues.

So tomorrow we hope to have a more definite plan as we meet with VA health care staff to determine Jeff's placement in the VA in-patient program for PTSD. It's been long in coming and today seems like it may take forever. But I have hope that we are soon going to get long overdue help.

We will soon be on medical leave from WorldVenture. We have been fighting this, feeling that we will not be fulfilling our responsibilities to our supporters if we take another leave of absence. But there is the "Catch 22" that if we don't take a leave of absence we suffer and the ministry suffers because we are so challenged by our health issues that we cannot do justice to the task.

With treatment and prayers for healing, I have hope that we will come back much stronger given the space and time to get the R & R and the care needed to restore us in body, mind and spirit.

Another Great Nouwen Quote

2010-03-11T22:10:00.000-08:00

"As a community of faith we work hard, but we are not destroyed by the lack of results. And as a community of faith we remind one another constantly that we form a fellowship of the weak, transparent to Him who speaks to us in the lonely places of our existence and says: Do not be afraid, you are accepted." Out of Solitude

First Week In Feb

2010-02-06T09:46:00.000-08:00

It's been stressful at times with some of friends in Uganda needing some intervention for a domestic issue where the husband has been very violent leaving his wife with head injuries. Hopefully,we can help her to get to Kampala for much needed treatment and a R & R from the intense family situation in Adjumani.

I had some biopsies taken to check some issues that could be dermititus or skin cancer. I won't have those results for about a week.

It's been fun, too. Continuing some long distance coaching opportunities with several young women from Pennsylvania to N. Carolina, Idaho and Walla Walla, Washington. Jeff and I together had dinner with a couple here in Portland who are considering long term missions either to Europe or N. Africa.

Other fun was being invited out with our daughter-in-law, Hannah, to see the 3D production of Avatar. What a treat and experience that was! First of all to hang out with one of my lovely daughters and then to see that kind of media where things jump out of the screen and float in front of your face. How do they do that?!!!!

Pray for the Chandlers

2010-01-31T07:24:00.000-08:00

Several months ago I read the story of a British couple, Rachel and Paul Chandler, who were sailing from Tanzania to the Seychelles. They were captured by Somalian Pirates. Today I read that they are still being held hostage with demands for ransom. It moves my heart that Rachel, especially, is very ill. You can read the story:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/kent/8489958.stm

Join me, please, in praying for them.

Our Dear Visitor

2010-01-28T11:21:00.001-08:00

I recall the many times in Uganda when the youth choirs would sing songs to "Our Dear Visitor"! Now I want to dance and sing because "Our Dear Visitor" is coming to visit from San Francisco arriving tomorrow. Jaclyn Konczal who was such a beautiful ministry partner and community member in Adjumani is coming to visit us and to connect with our family and friends and to get a taste of our beloved Imago Dei CC and PDX.

We'll have a reunion together with Erin Carkner and hopefully Darin and Andra Williams who spent time in our Adjumani community, as well. It should be a lovely time together!

NOT CANDY CANE

2009-12-11T09:28:00.000-08:00

Jeff's ongoing journey continues to challenge and at times baffle us. He has been working out regularly on the treadmill which was so encouraging until he developed severe pain in his rib cage area and now down into his right hip around the hip replacement. It got so bad yesterday that he dug his cane out of storage to help him get around. He hasn't used the cane since the hip was replaced in 2007. Hopefully this too shall pass.

Another Way of Life

2009-12-04T11:03:00.000-08:00

From Monitor Online
On the trail of a long-horned insect
Posted in: News
By
Dec 5, 2009 - 1:36:25 AM

Nearly every Ugandan takes the arrival of nsenene for granted. But the hunt for them is an act of survival that mirrors the story of life and death, as Saturday Monitor’s Rodney Muhumuza reports

If the wall had not been too high, or if the frantic girl in a school uniform had been tall enough, this would have been a quick catch. As fast as the hungry crows hovering in mid-air, as if marking their territory, Julie Nabbosa would have moved to her next target.

Yet height was not the only thing the girl did not have on her side. In this verdant tract of land that overlooks a railway line, where destitute people grow corn and the grass is tall enough to hide the face of a six-year-old girl, Nabbosa could have done with a lot of favours.

There were other boys and girls offering competition, and an adventurous incursion into bushes could leave her bruised. A foray into railway-line territory could be as disastrous as a foolish attempt to climb a rough wall with bare hands. At the very least, these children were bound to suffer terrible itches from hours spent romancing the grass.

Clutching bottles, some nearly full with the objects of their passion, Nabbosa and her horde could not have been fully aware of the risks they were taking. If they were --- and the oldest among them looked to be in his early teens --- they probably did not care.

It was 10a.m. on a rainy morning in an industrial part of Kampala, in the Namuwongo suburb, and these children were here for business. If the bottles they carried showed intent, and if the anxiety on their faces betrayed urgency, each of these children was a veritable soldier.

After all, this was November, season of the grasshoppers, or musenene, when young and old are not embarrassed to chase after tiny insects, when market vendors have to update their stock with a hot addition; when so many Ugandans have to pay expensively to get a taste of the new season.

The insects, known to everyone as simply nsenene, are a type of bush cricket that comes in hues ranging from light green to dark brown and to an improbable purple. In street talk, nsenene (the species Ruspolia baileyi) are said to “migrate” from the central region, in Masaka, to different parts of Uganda --- in gardens, on street poles, on high walls, and in the kinds of bushes Nabbosa was not afraid to negotiate.
“I will go home and fry them,” the girl said, her face contorted with coyness after a stranger asked to know why she was not at school.
“I am going home now.”

The man, looking down at her from his second-storey office, was within reach of several of the insects Nabbosa would have wanted stuffed in her bottle.
The insects were scattered across the wall Nabbosa was not tall or acrobatic enough to scale, and as she and her competitors walked away from the inquisitor, perhaps cursing their fortune, it was now up to the roaming birds to reign supreme. Those who catch nsenene range from innocent children like Nabbosa (who seize them one at a time from beneath dense vegetation) to ruthless businessmen (who invest heavily in harvesting material) and to marabou storks (which ambush the insects in space).
It is a process that renders itself to survival, to recklessness, and, increasingly, to shrewd trade.

Lights on
Not far from the place where Nabbosa was found catching nsenene, across a street that policemen regularly patrol for signs of illegality, one man had recently erected what a looked like an unfinished fence.

The contraption was in fact a trap to catch nsenene --- a barricade made of iron sheets raised high to reach a gleaming bulb. Nsenene are drawn to light, finding refuge along or near bright spots, and businessmen exploit this weakness to catch them in amazingly large numbers. Attracted to the light, which blinds them, the dazed insects inevitably slide down the iron sheets and into open barrels.
If their journey ends in those containers, their story does not. Nearly everywhere in Kampala’s suburbs, from Kitintale to Kamwokya, a keen eye will notice that sometime in November, as torrential rains pound the city, many roadside stalls are crowded with women circling saucepans brimming with nsenene. Their job is to pluck the wings and legs off these crickets, a task not as exciting as catching them, and then dropping them in empty saucepans, ready to be boiled and roasted until they turn a seductive golden brown.
Until the tasters find them crunchy (and salty) enough, the heat may not be turned off. And Johnson Tumuhereze’s job as a vendor may not start.

Never give up
“I walk wherever I can because my job is to sell,” he said one afternoon as he walked along a dusty street, his right hand carrying a can of ready-to-eat nsenene above his shoulder.

“This is my business.” At Shs200, which could be costly for many people, a spoonful is not enough to satiate a craving, and Mr Tumuhereze does not except to make more than Shs5,000 each day. In any case, he is one of so many young men hawking nsenene.

INCOME EARNER: Whenever the months of April and November set in, the trade in nsenene booms and business people cash in big.

In many ways, the nsenene story is as modern as it is archaic, adopting raw capitalism but retaining the crucial role of women in bringing the delicacy into living rooms.

Kiganda oral tradition has it that, in days past, women were sent to shrubs to harvest nsenene but were not allowed to eat them.
As the story goes, the privilege belonged to their selfish husbands.
“I think that the men were just being greedy,” says Charles Peter Mayiga, Buganda Kingdom’s information minister, “considering how delicious nsenene are.”

But the more serious reason, Mr Mayiga said, had to do with “the purity that was attached to the woman” in Buganda. If the women were strong enough to resist eating delicious insects on the sly, it was proof of their fidelity, he said, noting that attitudes have evolved over the years.
“My wife is a modern woman,” Mr Mayiga said, making the point that they both eat nsenene at home.

Put differently, nsenene have become an equaliser. And one place makes it clear: Nearly every morning when it is nsenene season, trucks and motorcycles descend upon Nakasero Market, in Kampala, to deliver huge consignments of freshly-trapped insects ferried from hundreds of miles away.

The jostling for space and sneering among rival salesmen --- young and old, women and men --- sometimes gives way to cold-blooded fights.

They do it for the love of nsenene, so that they milk the new season for all its worth, and so that Madinah Naggayi may take the season for granted.
“I’ve eaten a lot [of nsenene] this season,” the shopkeeper said recently. “I can’t count them, of course. And we don’t care about the trouble they go through to catch them. For us, we just wait.”

What is Nsenene?
Nsenene is the Luganda name for a long-horned grasshopper that is a central Ugandan delicacy as well as an important source of income.

The insect is also eaten in neighbouring areas of Kenya and Tanzania. Traditionally in Uganda, nsenene were collected by children and women. They were given to the women’s husbands in return for a new gomasi (a traditional dress for women). Although the women were made to do the treacherous work of collecting nsenene, they were never allowed to eat them.

It was believed that women who consume nsenene would bear children with deformed heads like those of a conocephaline bush cricket.

Nowadays, nsenene are consumed by most women in the areas where this insect is traditionally eaten.

November is the main nsenene season, the other being April, when a swarm of the delicious locusts converges on the areas around Lake Victoria from the greater North.

The commercial nsenene production includes wholesale trade in sacks, transported over long distances to urban areas in order to get the best price. In most market places, vendors cash in big on the nsenene.
Source: wikipedia

© Copyright 2009 by Monitor Online

JOY

2009-11-13T12:39:00.000-08:00

Today I feel JOY because it is our son's 36th birthday and we are going to have a family celebration at Jarra's Ethiopian Restaurant;Dirk's choice of food.

Dare I remember here the wonderful day Dirk was born and was laid on my chest moments after birth. Perhaps only mothers can recall the deep joy of that moment. Thirty six years later it still gives me joy when I hear his voice or when we are together. Jeff and I are eternally grateful for the gift of our son.

Today I'm also EXCITED because we put our first candidate into application with WorldVenture after 5 weeks of walking with Ashley Barram in initial steps to serve in Cote d'Ivoire pursuing a Community Health Internship with Rod and Angelika Ragsdale. I wish you could get to know her as well. We love her and feel it is such a privilege to be in the journey with her. Since we cannot be in Africa, this seems a beautiful way to remain connected to God's heart which is for the nations.

LEARNING FROM HAGAR'S STORY

2009-11-03T13:32:00.000-08:00

Last week we were at Corban College where I was given the opportunity to share some of my story with a Women in Ministries Class. I wasn’t sure what to share of the 21 years of our missional journey. I felt led to share the need to develop a Theology of Suffering as it was years before I realized how devastating the world can be when one does not know how to deal with all the suffering we encounter. Often we deal with it by thinking that God must be either angry, very mean and nasty or that He just does not care. Thus the need to study how the Bible reveals God in this area of a suffering humanity. I happen to believe the stories in the Bible are there to help us know God. He reveals Himself by how He relates to us as broken human beings. I believe the stories are true and historic. I also believe we need to focus on understanding the relationships as they are portrayed in Scripture.

I decided to start reading from the beginning of the Book and take a serious look at suffering and how God interacts with people in their suffering. This is what I discovered this morning.

Genesis 16
Hagar’s Story

(The story opens after the LORD has promised Abram a child in his old age.)

Such an intriguing story! Sarai, Abram’s wife, decidedly took things into her own hands. Impatience? Rebellion? Fear that the promise was impossible considering she was past childbearing? She stated, “Perhaps I can build a family through her.” Her, being Hagar, Sarai’s Egyptian maidservant. Abram agreed to the plot. Hagar became pregnant and despised Sarai. Did Hagar willingly take 86 year old Abram to her bed? We are not told. But I imagine she was not given a choice. Hagar apparently became arrogant and disdained her mistress under the circumstances. Sarai in turn blamed Abram for her suffering. She even called on God to judge between her and Abram. Did Abram take Hagar’s side at first? Perhaps he was elated that Hagar was going to give Sarai and him a child, as was the initial plan. But, oh, the fickleness of Sarai, he must have thought. Abram, nonetheless, allowed Sarai in her peevishness and pain to mistreat Hagar so much so that Hagar sought to escape.

The Angel of the LORD found Hagar in the desert. Was she attempting to go home to her family in Egypt? We are not told. But my guess is she was. The Angel of the LORD pursued Hagar and invited her into a conversation. Amazing! The Angel of the LORD asked where she was coming from and where she was going. Hagar’s answer was simply that she was running away, not where she was going. Perhaps she had little or no hope of reaching Egypt alone as she headed into the desert. The Angel of the LORD told her to return to Sarai and to submit to her—then He promised Hagar the same thing He promised Abram (Gen. 15:5). But unlike the promise to Abram, that all peoples on earth would be blessed through him, the promise to Hagar regarding her son was that Ishmael (the name given by the Angel of the LORD meaning “God hears”) would be a wild donkey of a man; and that he would live in hostility with all his brothers. Hagar actually named the LORD who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me” and she stated, “I have now seen the One who sees me.”

What an incredible story of God’s mercy, of God’s compassion for a desperate, marginalized, outcast, woman. A woman suffering the effects of the sin of others and of her own pride. A woman who had no power over her own situation. Thus Hagar bore Abram a son and Abram named his son, Ishmael. It seems obvious Hagar humbled herself and returned to Abram and Sarai. She must have told of her encounter with the Living God on the road to Egypt at the spring that is beside the road to Shur. The most poignant point of the story , in my view, is when the LORD told Hagar, “You shall name him (the child) Ishmael, for the Lord heard of your misery.

I am reminded that God sees us and hears us in our suffering. He does not always choose to do what we want Him to do to change the circumstances. But He does do what I believe is the most amazing thing. He comes alongside us and walks with us through it. Jeff and I were talking about this at lunch today. How often in the Scripture are we reassured that God is with us! Over and over it is written.

And as followers of His, I believe that is what He wants us to do for others. We cannot often fix what is broken, but we can walk with one another through times of suffering.

ENCOURAGED

2009-10-19T16:43:00.000-07:00

Jeff and I were with friends at Battle Ground yesterday.They encouraged me to continue blogging so I'm back and hope to keep this more up to date with what we are doing and how people can pray for us.

Praise: Jeff's health continues to improve on the vegan diet. His medical update: the diabetes is reversing, his blood pressure is down, his cholesterol is down and the kidney disease is reversing.

Please pray: for continuing improvement of health as his system is still in transition.

Praise: Our new role as Mission Coaches is an exciting journey. We are meeting with people interested in ministries in Pakistan, Cote d'Ivoire, Senegal, Quebec, and Indonesia to name a few.

Pray we will have wisdom and discernment in coaching, encouraging and guiding these people on their missional journeys.

Pray for our trip to Cedarville University for their annual missions conference Oct. 21-24 as Jeff and I meet with our mentors, Phil and Mimi Bjorklund, who have been doing recruiting/coaching for the past 8 years. Pray we will be teachable and learn more about our role and how to better integrate the IT systems for tracking and reporting.

Pray as we will return to participate in Corban College's Annual Missions conference Oct. 26-30. Pray that we will develop relationships there that will be instrumental in encouraging young people in developing their Theology of Mission and engage their hearts with God's heart.

In all of this, especially pray we will have the strength and stamina for the journey. We find the pace of life here and the rhythms of working with students very challenging.

MOVED TO PRAY

2009-09-07T09:23:00.000-07:00

I happened to check out Ross Kelly's blog "Deep South Sudan" this morning and am deeply moved to pray for him, the children he is caring for at Cornerstone Children's Home in Nimule, and for all of Sudan as the scenario looks really bleak for people there. If you want to join me in prayer click on Deep South Sudan and read Ross's last two blogs. I am reminded that even though things look extremely bleak, God is still in control. We just cannot see all He is doing in the dark mess of humanitarian crisis. But I do know that the perseverance of the saints, as Ross so poignantly communicates, is a powerful witness in that incredible spiritual and physical struggle there.

2 Corinthians 4:8 speaks loudly in all of this: "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down; but not destroyed." Only God can do that in people's lives.

OUR LIVES OF LATE

2009-08-25T15:49:00.000-07:00

Travels July & August

Powers beyond Remote near Myrtle Point, Oregon

Grass Valley/Kent in Central Oregon land of vast wheat fields and crops of windmills

Elma/Aberdeen beautiful Washington

Littleton, Colorado WorldVenture HQ great meetings

La Veta, Alamosa & Monte Vista all S. Central Colorado childhood memories

Coquille on South coast of Oregon wonderful longtime friends & supporters

Molalla visiting a dying mentor and friend

Redmond family BBQ

Today:

Another medical procedure for Jeff
Colonoscopy (Almost forgot the antibiotics necessary for any invasive procedure when one has had a heart valve replacement; had to go to 2 places afterwards to get the 2 grams required) Now resting comfortably at home in recovery

Soon:

Celebration of 40 years of an incredible ride called marriage

Life is Good

2009-07-22T15:44:00.000-07:00

I'm just thinking of all the good things that have happened the past few days. Jeff and I were traveling this weekend to speak at a couple of our supporting churches in Central Oregon. We stopped in The Dalles for dinner Saturday night. I had researched on line and found a Mexican Restaurant that offered vegetarian food. So we stopped in at Casa El Mirador about 5 p.m. and were greeted by a 12 man Mexican troubadour playing and seranading those dining as it was the restaurant's 15th Anniversary. These musicians were dressed in their full Mexican glory and sang and played their trumpets, guitars and violins as if they were in a stadium. It was great fun if not a bit over the top for us as we had no clue what we were walking into:)

Then Sunday morning at a very old, traditional Baptist church during the worship time it was a truly pleasant surprise to hear one of the worshipers sitting in a pew behind me break out whistling with the pianist as she played "It Is Well With My Soul" during the offeratory. I had never before heard anyone so overcome with that kind of joy that they just had to whistle along:)

Last night we were having dinner with a single woman who had sought us out as she needed an older couple in her life just to come alongside and walk with her. We've been in home community with her before but had never taken time to really get to know her. We chose an Ethiopian Restaurant near where she worked so when the young Ethiopian waiter came to take our order Jeff told him that we all had been in Africa and were familiar with Ethiopian food. The next thing we knew the young waiter's father, I believe, came to our table to chat about Africa. Throughout our evening of getting to know our young friend's story, which has been very intense, the gray haired father would stop by our table to chat more about his homeland. Of course, he had no idea that we were having this intense conversation. He just wanted to talk with people who have been where he came from and who can relate to sitting under the stars at his father's feet (wrapped in his father's blanket) looking at the incredible star spangled African sky. It made for a very enriching evening both being honored by a young friend who wants to share her life with us and the Ethiopian gentleman who longs for friends who know where he's coming from.

Today we're rejoicing because Erin Carkner, who was with us in Adjumani, has finally got a job. Catholic Charities has wisely taken her back in a position which she will fill beautifully.

And the day's kicker is on a lark I went to Goodwill to see if I could find an office chair which would be kinder to my back than the leather director's chair I've been using. I could hardly believe it that there was a darling leather chair on sturdy castor type wheels that fits me perfectly at a reduced price of $15 and when I got my Club discount it cost me all of $13.49.

I love it! Life is truly sweet.

EXERCISING MY PREROGATIVE

2009-07-16T09:07:00.000-07:00

I've heard it is a woman's prerogative to change her mind. Well, I am exercising my prerogative and have decided to keep the Sudanpartnership blog and also write to this blogspot, as well.

I find my heart continues to turn to Africa, especially Sudan and Northern Uganda so I plan to keep posting to my initial blog those things that spark my heart. Keeping this blog, I plan to post more of my own personal thoughts and happenings here.

Today Jeff and I are going to lunch with one of my old friends from Colton. She is one of those broken people that I love loving on. Unfortunately, it isn't as easy for Jeff. But she and her husband want to take us out to Sweet Tomato and have expressed interest about hearing about my recent trip to Uganda. So we're going to take the laptop and show them some video and photos. It should be fun as we love talking about "our stuff". I love making my friend laugh and I love her husband who often makes me laugh. I'm hoping that Jeff will enjoy this outing, as well, as we love on these old folks.

KIDNAPPED

2009-07-15T11:39:00.000-07:00

Pray with me for the release of the two women who are victims of the ongoing mess in Darfur.

Kidnappers want $2 mln for Darfur aid workers

14 Jul 2009 08:38:07 GMT

Source: Reuters

KHARTOUM, July 14 (Reuters) - Kidnappers of two female aid workers in Sudan's Darfur region have demanded $2 million for their release, but the government is determined not to pay, a minister said on Tuesday. The two workers for Irish aid group GOAL were seized by armed men on July 3 from their base in the north Darfur town of Kutum -- the third abduction of foreign humanitarian staff in the region in four months. "The kidnappers are asking for $2 million. But our policy is not to pay ransom. We feel that would encourage others to do the same," said state minister for humanitarian affairs Abdel Baqi al-Jailani. The minister said Darfur officials were using local leaders to negotiate with the kidnappers, adding he was still expecting a positive outcome. "Our main priority remains the safety of the two women," he told Reuters. Irish negotiators and government officials have sent teams to Khartoum and El Fasher, the capital of North Darfur, to help free the women, named by GOAL as Hilda Kawuki, 42, from Uganda, and Sharon Commins, 32, from Dublin. Two groups of foreign aid workers kidnapped in Darfur earlier this year were released unharmed after a period of negotiation. A group calling itself the Eagles of Bashir said it seized staff from the Belgian arm of Medecins Sans Frontieres in north Darfur in March to protest against the International Criminal Court's decision to issue an arrest warrant for Sudan's president Omar Hassan al-Bashir, to face charges of human rights abuses in the region. Bashir has dismissed the allegations. Another group, calling itself the Freedom Eagles of Africa, said it abducted staff from Aide Medicale Internationale in south Darfur in April to demand Paris retry members of Zoe's Ark, a French humanitarian group, convicted but later pardoned over the abduction of children from Chad. The six-year Darfur conflict has pitted pro-government militias and troops against mostly non-Arab rebels, who took up arms in 2003, accusing Khartoum of neglecting the region. Estimates of the death toll range from 10,000 according to Khartoum, to 300,000 according to U.N. humanitarian chief John Holmes. The minister said reports in Sudanese state media the abductors were asking for $200 million were incorrect. (Reporting by Andrew Heavens; Editing by Giles Elgood)

Also pray with me for Kim Davey, from Imago Dei Community, recently evacuated with her missionary team from Didinga Hills in Sudan after their leader was abducted (later released) and the team threatened. After much prayer they have decided not to return. Pray for continued peace and redirection as Kim wants to remain in Africa in a yet to be determined ministry.

UGANDA EDITORIAL

2009-07-04T13:22:00.000-07:00

A recent "Christian" crusade in Uganda generated the following commentary I read in the Ugandan New Vision today. A little piece of reality.

Was it preaching, money or both?

New Vision

Publication date: Friday, 3rd July, 2009

By Patrick Oyulu

THE screaming headline, Benny Hinn lost sh4b in Uganda published on Thursday, shocked me. It was like shouting "FIRE" in a crowded prison cell.

I don't mean to condemn anyone because I believe everyone is entitled to their beliefs, but it is rather strange for someone to tell me that Benny Hinn sunk billions in these crusades when he toured Uganda and expected a profit!

Tell me, did Benny Hinn and his colleagues sit down and come up with a business plan to make money from Uganda, DRC and South Africa, in the guise of preaching? Was it preaching or the money, or both? Talk about killing two birds with one stone!

Had Benny Hinn carried food relief and donated to Karamoja, had he brought boxes of Tami flu to fight an impending H1N1 pandemic, had he donated mosquito nets to pregnant women, had he sunk billions of shillings to promote his crusades, I would think otherwise.

Crucially, if we knew that this was purely a money making venture, we would probably understand. But I simply do not understand how Christians are being taken for granted by people with ulterior motives. Never has there been a time where we've seen a complete exploitation of the terms offering and tithe like we are seeing these days, especially by globe-trotting, private jet evangelists.

The problem is, many spiritually believe in these evangelists and are torn apart by countervailing forces, their emotions only as authentic and sincerely felt as their reflexive irony allows them to be. They are invested yet detached, a paradoxical result of being both over-informed and essentially powerless.

Each and every day, new Christians
are pulled, kicking and squealing, into the fray. If life was a tradeable commodity, its market value would be at a historic low, with the bottom a long way down. But like sheep, folks still respond in numbers.

When a pastor was quoted as saying without skipping a beat that, "These days it is hard to get free things" in response to questions about charging entry fees for a sermon, that sound you heard, was a cock crowing three times except backwards. The poor flock was disowned of all the nerve, for money!

As if this wasn't enough, Benny Hinn pushed the envelope talk further when he was quoted as saying, "Most people are poor in Africa and it affected the recent crusade" (read: affected sales). To me this sounded like evangelical speak, but with an alcoholic delivery.

I just sat with my mouth agape. Did I read right? Benny Hinn should be ashamed to be talking cash flow instead of how many hearts and souls got converted.

Benny Hinn and his type should come to Africa, to practically help that needy child in an IDP's camp, to help that mother that would do with surgical gauze and gloves in a clinic in Busiro, to help feed those 190 plus HIV-infected children at Keep a Child Alive in Namuwongo.

Uganda needs practical deeds, not people who come and talk while beaming back to an international television audience, all talk no action and worry about the top line and bottom line revenues. And the flock should wake up and stop being manipulated like sheep. It amazes me that these followers are so vulnerable! How about a soldier in downtown Mogadishu? Wake up people.

Instead of preaching to convert that one soul, evangelists are thinking about the numbers and pockets. It is like we are going through a species-wide correction with evangelists changing the true values of preaching.

Help me God before an ATM is installed in my church!

SURPRISED

2009-07-02T11:42:00.000-07:00

Life in the USA is such a mixed bag. Sometimes it scatters my mind and other times gives me such joy.

Jeff and I went to a Timber's soccor game last night with our kids. Great fun as the Timbers faced off with the Seattle Sounders! Over 16,000 of us turned out for the big game. I was so surprised by the tears that flowed down my cheeks when the National Anthem was sung as all 16,000+ of us stood and the Timber's Army sang along. Surprised at my emotion. Surprised, as I don't think of myself as a great patriot, but very grateful for our freedom. Surprised by tears of joy being close to sons and daughters to do life with them in the venues that flavor their lives. Surprised by the birth of a new passion for a small town team being born into MLS. The Army's fervor is contagious and great fun!

New Horizons

2009-06-22T11:27:00.000-07:00

Being based in Portland now, it seems time to retire the Sudanpartnership blog and join the blogspot people:) I still want to keep Sudan and Uganda on the radar, but it does seem the Lord is broadening our horizons as we begin our new role as missions coaches.

The most recent example of a new horizon was the joy of seeing Rosemarie Caward to Bolivia for a short term trip which seems to be a taste of what might be for her a longer term relationship with the people of Bolivia. Some of her incredible photos can be viewed at

http://www.flickr.com/photos/rosemariec/sets/72157620013975068/show/