THE POTTER AND THE CLAY

It's truly been a long time since I posted to this blog. Mainly because there were tough decisions being made which I felt it necessary to keep quiet about. Now it seems things are well on their way with those decisions having been made that I feel I can begin blogging about the things impacting our lives.

Perhaps the first would be that all the tests have been done, the specialist seen and the verdict in that nothing can be done for my spine except continue with my chiropractor for palliative care. The good news was there are no signs of TB but I do have a herniated disc causing some of my distress. This may mean I need to curtail some of the walking I've been doing and try to do more stretching and perhaps water related activities. This is somewhat of a hard pill for me to swallow as walking out of doors is one of the great joys of my life and the way I have dealt with stress over the years. This old dog will have to learn some new tricks to deal with stress and enjoy life perhaps. Since the weather changed I have not been walking much and my back pain has almost disappeared. So one blessing exchanged for another, I guess.

The more important news, however, is that Jeff and I made the difficult decision to take early retirement from WorldVenture and ministry as of December 31st. This does not mean that we will not have to work. Just the opposite. We are scrambling to find employment before the end of the year since our last paycheck from WorldVenture will be December 1st. Our retirement benefits from WorldVenture are only enough to pay our car payment. We are not thinking of taking Social Security retirement benefits due to the giant cut it would mean in monthly benefits. So God willing, we will get jobs where we can work out our final years.

We both would like work that offers us consistent schedules and not too much stress as we are both still struggling with health issues, me with my back and Jeff with PTSD that doesn't go away.

I applied last Friday via the internet to Home Instead Senior Care, a privately owned franchise which offers non-medical in home care to the elderly. Things have moved very quickly with that and I've been hired and will begin with a light schedule next week. So I am getting my feet wet, so to speak. I'm hoping that I will mostly be involved in offering companionship and assistance with daily life rather than the heavier cleaning and personal care some elderly require. If I can get enough assignments each week this may work out. But it is really only part time and an on call job. It is also minimum wage. So really it is just a way to get some stateside experience for further employment, I think.

Pray Jeff won't get discouraged as he really does not want me to work. He wants to provide for me but so far has had no responses to his application and resume submitted to quite a few places in the manufacturing world. I fear it may be much tougher for him to get his foot in the door than it was for me.

God is the potter and we the clay, as we learn more about trust and patience through this, another huge transition.

DRAWN INTO THE MYSTERY

What's on my mind today is not the medical mystery tour but rather the mystery of the spiritual life I am walking with Jesus. I've just begun reading a book called Drawn Into the Mystery of Jesus by Jean Vanier. At the end of Chapter 3, which is focused on John 1:35-51, Vanier wrote these words:

In this chapter of the Gospel of John, Jesus gathers around him a little group. This is the beginning of their journey with Jesus. It begins with enthusiasm: they have found the Messiah, the 'one who was to come' to liberate their people. This enthusiasm grows as Jesus does wonderful things. They believe in him more and more. He is truly the Messiah. Many of us live this enthusiasm when we begin in a community and with friends to follow Jesus. We give ourselves to an ideal. We admire our leaders and we want to become like them. This is the period of childhood in our spiritual journey. Later we will experience all that is broken in our community, in the church and in us. We will live conflicts and opposition. We will discover that it is not going to be easy to live the ideal. We will have to struggle to be truthful and free and to be servant-leaders like Jesus. We have to grow from spiritual childhood and adolescence to spiritual maturity, and discover the presence of God in the pain of reality. Later, as we move into old age, we will encounter physical weakness and even failure. Like Jesus, and with Jesus, we will be called to enter into the pits of pain, failure and rejection and into a new communication with God. We will discover the weakness and foolishness of God. The journey is just beginning for the first disciples. So, too, we are called to begin a journey of faith with Jesus.

I find myself in this depiction of this mysterious sometimes painful but glorious journey. Perhaps others will also.

NOT ALL IN YOUR HEAD

I hate writing more about my medical issues but that is just part of my story right now. It turns out the pain isn't so mysterious. MRI's revealed there are issues with my spine which warrant seeing an othopedic specialist. I finally got to talk to a scheduler today but she has to verify our insurance will cover a visit to this particular office and doctor. As my PCP said to me Saturday before she left for a month's vacation, "We aren't finished with this yet." I'm not deeply concerned as I know it could be a lot worse than it is. I think my hope is now to be sure it is not caused by tuberculosis which has been my PCP's concern. Once that is settled, I can live with this and thank God that I am still very mobile walking miles at a time when the weather is nice plus fairly functional in the rest of life. I am truly grateful.

THE MYSTERY MEDICAL TOUR

Now I know how Jeff feels after all his years of mysterious medical journeying through labyrinths of tests and scratching of heads. In the midst of it all, daily walking with symptoms affecting functionality, sleep and peace.

I struggle to be gracious and patient as I would choose a simple treatment of the symptoms but seek wisdom in pursing this course of medical detective work, our modern technological way, with a sense that x-rays and MRI's will only reveal that the mystery remains.

I am reminded of one of the greats who walked the earth who in his humanity suffered a "thorn in the flesh" and concluded that to keep him from exalting himself, there was given him that thorn in the flesh, a messenger to buffet him. Rather than wrestling with insurance to get his own way; he wrestled with God, asking three times to be relieved of his suffering and hearing these not so comforting words from above: "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."

His response seems phenomenal and so counter to our culture. His words are recorded: "Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore, I am well content with weaknesses...distresses...difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

Is it possible that our present sufferings are for this same purpose? That we would learn contentment and find Christ's strength in our weakness. My conclusion: Yes, it is very possible.

THERE IS A TENDERNESS THAT BATHES THE WORLD

IN HIM WE LIVE

A thousand fathoms deep our life is plunged

In an exceeding plenitude of grace,

Its folly and its wretchedness expunged,

Its pity hallowed in Love's vast embrace.

Compassion like a flooding river brims

Along the canyon of the squalid street

Ample to lave and heal; and glory rims

The city skyline where dim pinions beat;

And pity like a tide engulfs the foes

Working each other havoc in the fray,

At worst the folly of children unto those

To whom a thousand years is as a day.

Love, that fanatic treasurer of hearts

Who prizes our beloved past our conceit,

Though circumstance converge on them his darts,

Shall fend their spirits in his close retreat.

There is a tenderness that bathes the world,

A peace that shelters terror in its skirt

And where the blind world's thunderbolts are hurled

Guards lest one hair of these dear heads be hurt.

The night is holy with an unseen Guest,

And with an august Lover sacrosanct,

Who stoops in care above the world's unrest,

Whose shining troop in host on host is ranked.

His condescension makes the night air sweet,

And music like a gust of fragrance blown

About our pain from unknown worlds does beat

Its strain of exultation in our own.

The authentic hope of which man grows aware

Reflects itself upon the sunset bars,

Man lends his pity to the midnight air

And presses his compassion on the stars.

by Amos Niven Wilder

Jason Gray- Blessed Be

THE WAY THINGS GO

No word since last writing concerning VA in patient program. Jeff has been faithful to go weekly to a symptoms management class at VA here in Portland. His counselor who has been on a month's vacation is due back next week.

I've been seeing a chiropractor to address increasing back pain. In Africa I just thought the pain was because of bad roads but it hasn't improved and seems to be getting worse. Insurance issues demanded I get a referral from my PCP to have continuing coverage. The result was that rather than giving me a referral she initiated many x-rays and labs to try to get to the root of my pain issues. The outcome is that I am seeing an Arthritis and Bone specialist tomorrow and will start taking Prednisone as there are some mild rheumatoid changes in my spine and hips and indications of autoimmune disorder which may be rheumatoid arthritis or something else. And all I wanted was to continue getting the relief my chiropractor was giving me with her gentle treatment. I'm working with our insurance to see if I can continue both the medical and chiropratic treatments at the same time although my PCP has not been willing to give me a referral.

And that's the way it's been going.