I wanted to give an update of what I see God doing these days. I am truly encouraged in so very many ways.

FIRST, Jeff's health has been improving gradually. He has been working for a company called Shimadzu, located in Canby, Oregon, doing quality inspection and metal working. He often works 5 ten hour shifts in a week which is challenging. Even so, he is very glad to be working. He has been there as a "temp to hire" since July 11th, his 64th birthday. We are hoping he will be hired as a permanent employee when he has satisfied the 500 hour temp requirement. The main purpose of his working is to secure health insurance for us both. We thank God for the measure of health He has given us in these months since we took early retirement from WorldVenture. Thanks for praying for us!

SECOND, I see God at work in people and regions we so reluctantly left in 2008. You may recall that we had several midtermers living and working with us our final year in Uganda/Sudan. Jaclyn Konczal came freshly graduated from N. Carolina State University in Feb. 2007 and stayed until Feb. 2008. She developed some lasting relationships with the nationals there in Adjumani. Her heart led her back recently for a brief visit. This past summer Jaclyn bravely traveled alone and spent about a month in Adumani (with the assistance of Pastor Henry Vuyaya of Liberty Baptist in Adjumani and Idha Michael, a university trained rural development expert who is employed by Mercy Corps in another region of Uganda, but who grew up in Adjumani) helping the women in the village surrounding Liberty Baptist Church build an oven and start a bakery project which they named The Beloved Bakery.

I cannot tell you what a great testimony this project will be to the people of Adjumani! Pray with me that God will protect and sustain this labor of love to sustain women who often have little or no income and carry such a great burden of responsibility to feed their families and pay school fees for their children. Many of the women participating are widowed or abandoned by their husbands. The gospel will be not only heard but seen as a result of these women working together. The site chosen for the bakery is right outside the door of Liberty Baptist Church.

THIRD, I've been in touch with a young man, Thomas Bell, who is seeking appointment with WorldVenture in October this year. His focus is development and discipleship in Southern Sudan. He already spent a year in Kajo Keji west of the Nile in S. Sudan and recently moved to Nimule, S. Sudan, the border town we passed through whenever we entered or exited our work area in S. Sudan. Thomas has not waited to be appointed by WorldVenture to begin building relationships as you see from a portion of the communication I recently had from him:

We've launched our program and have over 50 clients. We're having to turn people away by the hundreds, just about everyone in Nimule wants to open a savings account at the very least. I'm confident we could be serving over 1000 people with loans and 10,000 with savings within a few months if only we had the funding. Our team is learning very quickly too but I'm even holding back for what we can fund until we get our processes for the "nuts and bolts" down.

We've also had lots of interest in some of the other side projects for construction, power, water and sanitation. I've been to a number of the churches around town and had the opportunity to teach in some village churches, though the last one nearly destroyed my Hilux and cost a few million UGX to repair.

Its been a great blessing to be here and I hope to continue the work here for many years to come.

I highly recommend you follow Thomas Bell's journey in the coming days. Check out his Facebook page:

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1302050

I think you can understand why my heart is so encouraged these days seeing the love and good works He continues to inspire in the hearts of both mundu/kawaja (white folk) and Ugandan and Sudanese folk...and the building of kingdom community that has been our hope and dream. This kingdom community will indeed be one of interdependence and love which spans the planet, not to mention earth and heaven. These are just two instances of what is happening over there. I know there is so much more.

So then, be encouraged as I am. And pray for these folk joining hands and hearts to make the love of God known to those who need to be touched and embraced after years of strife and war in the dawning of peace in N. Uganda and the new nation of South Sduan. God is raising up men and women for such a time as this.

Grace and peace,

Michelle Theisen

LIVING INTO THE MYSTERY

April, May, and June passed like a warp in time! Jeff has his own story to tell of those weeks which have slipped by so swiftly. If you want to know more, ask him.

Significant happenings in my life recently:

* I began volunteering in a refugee program as a class room aide for a month long summer camp for Bhutanese, Iraqi, Sudanese, Ukranian, and Cuban children who are launching into the American School system. We are trying to give them a boost in English and math skills and to love them and welcome them to our community.

* I watched from a distance of 10,000 miles the birth of South Sudan celebrating their birthday and independence today July 9th.

* I've begun caring for my adopted Mom and Dad who live in Mt. Angel so am making weekly trips to walk with them through all the challenges of being dependent on others to survive and thrive as they reach into their 8th and 9th decades of life.

This morning I realized I am launching into a new favorite book that makes me want to share it with everyone who is interested in finding that quiet place to learn more of the mysteries of life and creativity.

The book is called A Circle Of Quiet, by Madeleine L'Engle. She writes, as the book cover declares, in an "attempt..(to) explore the meaning of her life..."

I love this passage I just read this morning:

"personally, my intellect is a stumbling block to much that makes life worth living: Laughter, love, a willing acceptance of being created. The rational intellect doesn't have a great deal to do with art. I am often in my writing, great leaps ahead of where I am in my thinking, and my thinking has to work itself slowly up to what the "superconscious" has already shown me in a story or poem. Facing this does help to eradicate do-it-yourself hubris from an artist's attitude towards his painting or music or writing. My characters pull me, push me, take me further than I want to go, fling open doors to rooms I don't want to enter, throw me out to interstellar space, and all this long before my mind is ready for it.

There's a reason for that, chaps!

While Alan (her son) was in school, his science teacher was an inept young man who kept blowing things up, remarking through the stench of chemical smoke and the crashing of broken glass, 'There's a reason for that, chaps!'

I must be willing to accept the explosions which take place deep down in the heart of the volcano, sending up occasional burst of flame into the daylight of consciousness."

This passage made me laugh out loud with joy! It tickled my weird sense of humor, especially in her description of the inept science teacher. (I have memories of high school chemistry class where I have a vague memory of blowing something up myself and feeling so inept and appalled.) The joy comes from sensing the mystery of which she speaks and the expanse of what is opened by living into the mystery.

THIS NEW SEASON

God heard the desire of Jeff's heart to find honorable employment and to take care of his wife of 41 years as I need health insurance. As of April 7th Jeff will be employed at Eastside Plating helping the Quality Assurance Manager in efforts to develop greater teamwork in the area of producing quality in their production lines.

I believe my part in this new adventure is to be Jeff's greatest cheerleader and prayer warrior. My challenge is to not worry or fear as I have in the past concerning Jeff's health issues but rather to believe that God is in this and that He will fulfill his purpose for us (Psalm 138:8 and Eph. 2:10). Choosing trust over anxiety and fear has always been my greatest challenge. Having watched Jeff's journey through breakdown and the courage that has brought him to this place of launching into a new season of life is truly an inspiration to me.

LEARNING FROM KIM

I love this story from a La Arche community member:

"I learn a lot from Kim"

I learn a lot from Kim, whom I live with at L'Arche. When Kim was wished a Happy 41st Birthday she responded, nonchalantly, saying, "Thanks. I don’t look it." In that moment she ministered to me, teaching me what it means to be free, to be young in spirit, to tell your own story, to resist society's expectations of what it means to be a certain age or fit in a certain category. I was also touched when Kim announced her first home was here at L'Arche in Richmond Hill, her second home was in Markham (her family home) and, quite proudly, "My third home is in heaven." Although we couldn't help laughing about the mortgage on that third home, I realized a deeper theological truth--that she wasn't seeing past, present and future, but was truly living out God's vision, seeing beyond set time lines and seeing the bigger picture. When Kim was cutting tomatoes for dinner, rolling her eyes she exclaimed, "Ha! And, they thought I was handicapped!" She then went on to say how she's been proving people wrong and learning new things all along. In that moment, I realized that I too had bought into a hierarchy of people, that I had been competing and that I had been buying into "us and them" boundaries--none of which are part of true community.

Janna Payne, L'Arche Daybreak

LIFE SO FRAGILE

Last week we came face to face with this reality as Hannah, carrying our first grandchild, suffered a traumatic miscarriage in her 12th week of pregnancy. Why? Not yet known. Not sure it will ever be known. But "how" Hannah and Dirk have responded in their grief is inspiring as they indeed have had a glimpse of God surrounding them, carrying them, giving comfort and perspective through their pain. Through Hannah's writing she has been able to share that grace experienced.

Grieving is not finished in a week, however. Life returns to some semblance of normal but from time to time the grief can wash over us like a tidal wave like the tsunami that hit Japan this week...perhaps to remind us how fragile is life...to lead us to look to what is eternal.

I noted in my journal the day of the miscarriage these words from Psalm 139 The Message:

"Like an open book, You watch us grow from conception to birth. All the days of our lives are spread out before you, the days of our lives prepared before we even live one day."

Twelve weeks our little grandchild lived on this earth in his mother's womb but now in heaven for eternity. It causes me to wonder and acknowledge that God's ways are so often hard to fathom. But it also leads me to trust in God's perfect love; he is the potter and we are the clay. We have been shaped in new ways because of the brief coming and the sudden leaving of a little baby, a child of God, we had opened our hearts to and will never forget.

Evelyn Glennie shows how to listen | Video on TED.com

Evelyn Glennie shows how to listen | Video on TED.com

LISTENING

A friend recently said that he had been talking for 30 years and thought it was time he started listening. I was impressed by that resolve.

Today I ran onto a TED video of Evelyn Glennie, a deaf percussionist and composer, who challenged me to think outside the box. She also opened my mind to the greater potential of ourselves and others if we learn to listen with our whole being. She uses music/percussion to express deep truths.

I'm processing so much lately and want to really listen to hear truth about myself and life in general but specifically related to what I am experiencing these days. I desire to listen more profoundly to hear from God as he speaks through his word and through others. I want to listen so that I not only understand him, but myself and others and have a deeper compassion that comes from truly listening.

A question a dear counselor once repeatedly asked me during weeks of therapy was: What is reality? He would never answer the question for me. But always posed the question so from time to time 30 years later I continue to ask myself the same question which I think is answered when we seek to listen.

I especially want to listen and learn to walk through the reality of aging, now that my body is weakening, with grace and peace not succumbing to despair but staying present in love and life.

Probably most important,t I want to learn to listen to others to hear and understand rather than to always feel like I need to do something to fix "IT". So if you talk to me and I start to offer advice, please stop me and remind me to just simply listen.

Listen
by Author Unknown

When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving advice,
you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,
you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I asked was that you listen.
Not to talk or do-just hear me.
Advice is cheap. Ten cents will get you both Dear Abby and
Bill Graham in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself. I'm not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and weakness.
But, when you accept as a single fact that I do feel what I feel,
no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince
you and get to the business of understanding what's
behind this irrational feeling.
And when that's clear, the answers are obvious
and I don't need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand
what's behind them.

So, please listen and just hear me. And if you want to talk,
wait a minute for your turn;
and I'll listen to you.

PRESSING ON

As we come to the close of 2010, I’ve been reflecting on how it has proven to be one of the most puzzling and difficult years of our lives as Jeff’s brokenness, and mine, has precipitated the closing of a chapter of our lives in Africa and with our WorldVenture family.

I was thinking about some of the relics that mark that passage. Especially, I was thinking of the Lotuko spear and shield which Jeff was given after 2 months dwelling among those tribal people back in 1982 and how a few years later he may have participated in one of the last great hunts with the Lotuko warrior/hunters across the great savannah land near Torit, Southern Sudan… I recall Jeff’s story of walking for miles in the hot sun with hundreds of men hunting only with spears and bows and arrows resulting in his heat exhaustion and being carried out of the bush on a contrived stretcher with a procession of warriors forming a happy parade accompanying him back to his abode. Then later the next day going to the feast which followed such a hunt and running into SPLA rebels who took him hostage and threatened his life which would have been forfeit except for God and his Lotuko brothers who loved him and surrounded him, the chief arguing for his release which was eventually secured.

Twenty years later Jeff’s heart for Sudan took us back to try to help the repatriation of Sudanese who had been refugees in Uganda during the 2 decades of war preceding. I watched him pour himself out body, mind and soul for the Ugandan and Sudanese people never taking into account that his body was no longer that young buck who had gone hunting with that warrior class in 1982… Having a total hip replacement (due to the diseased disintegration of his right hip) followed by a heart valve transplant (because of the faulty valve he was born with) in 2007 which marked the opening door to Sudan with the signing of the peace agreement in Sudan and cessation of hostilities of war with the Ugandan rebels among whom we’d been dwelling since moving into Northern Uganda in 2002.

I am distressed by people who look at Jeff’s breakdown this past year as somehow being his fault…this strong, noble hearted man who never thought of himself these past decades spent in loving the destitute and poor of Africa. Some look at his body and think he must have chosen this path to brokenness by the things he ate or did not eat. When they look at him with that kind of judgment, it breaks my heart because they fail to see the great heart of a warrior, God’s warrior who spent the best years of his life offering compassion and presence to broken people.

This past year we’ve seen him raging against the devastation of his dreams and his own broken health. He did not choose to leave Africa. I dragged him off that Dark Continent to try to preserve him alive before we buried him there as he wanted.

Now we are turning a corner, hoping for renewed vision and life even as he continues to wrestle with his personal demons of PTSD and diabetes resulting from his Vietnam service with the Marine Corps over forty years ago which have so colored our lives all these decades.

Personally, I am taking Philippians 3:12-14 as my theme for 2011 pressing on, don’tcha know, as I trust God still has more life in store for us.

I am profoundly grateful for the great adventure life has been to this point.

CHRISTMAS WISH

The past couple of years the Theisen family has begun sharing Christmas wish lists to make our gift giving more meaningful to the receivers.

I find myself giving God my Christmas wish list this year as I contemplate how Jesus, the one we celebrate at this time of year, walked this earth, ie. John 8:1-11, in his gentle fashion loving a woman caught in adultery, loving those accusing her, those seeking to discredit him as a religious leader.

Rather than judging the woman or turning and accusing those men who dragged the poor woman into his presence demanding that she be stoned for her transgression as the law prescribed, he simply stooped and silently drew in the sand at their feet. What message or picture we are not told. Perhaps he did so to hide his tears over their brokenness, their unbelief, their misunderstanding of what he was about. The commentator I was reading pointed out that this event must have wounded Jesus deeply seeing the fear and enmity that drove all of that ugly scene. Jesus then simply responded:

"Let he who has no sin be the first to throw a stone at her."

My wish at this Advent/Christmas time is that the Imago Dei as seen in Christ Jesus, his heart for forgiveness, reconciliation and peace, would show up in our families, communities and the world, disarming fear and enmities, the love of Jesus covering a multitude of sins. I truly believe peace and reconciliation begin in our own hearts as we experience being forgiven and discovering peace within our own selves impacting first of all our own senses, then grace and peace rippling out covering our immediate families, then into our communities and the world.

Anticipating Christmas morning when the waiting is over and desire fulfilled. I can only believe that my wish is going to be granted.

THINKING OF ADVENT

Born to Hunger

Christ was born not because there was joy in the world, but because there was suffering in it. He was born not to riches, but to poverty; not to satiety, but to hunger and thirst; not to security, but to danger, exile, homelessness, destitution, and crucifixion.

His Incarnation now, in us, is in the suffering world as it is. It is not reserved for a utopia that will never be; it does not differ from his first coming in Bethlehem, his birth in squalor, in dire poverty, in a strange city. It is the same birth here and now. There is Incarnation always, everywhere.

The law of growth is rest. We must be content in winter to wait patiently through the long bleak season in which we experience nothing whatever of the sweetness or realization of the Divine Presence, believing the truth that these seasons, which seem to be the most empty, are the most pregnant with life. It is in them that the Christ-life is growing in us, laying hold of our soil with strong roots that thrust deeper and deeper; drawing down the blessed rain of mercy and the sun of eternal love through our darkness and heaviness and hardness, to irrigate and warm those roots.

The soil must not be disturbed.

~Caryll Houselander

THE POTTER AND THE CLAY

It's truly been a long time since I posted to this blog. Mainly because there were tough decisions being made which I felt it necessary to keep quiet about. Now it seems things are well on their way with those decisions having been made that I feel I can begin blogging about the things impacting our lives.

Perhaps the first would be that all the tests have been done, the specialist seen and the verdict in that nothing can be done for my spine except continue with my chiropractor for palliative care. The good news was there are no signs of TB but I do have a herniated disc causing some of my distress. This may mean I need to curtail some of the walking I've been doing and try to do more stretching and perhaps water related activities. This is somewhat of a hard pill for me to swallow as walking out of doors is one of the great joys of my life and the way I have dealt with stress over the years. This old dog will have to learn some new tricks to deal with stress and enjoy life perhaps. Since the weather changed I have not been walking much and my back pain has almost disappeared. So one blessing exchanged for another, I guess.

The more important news, however, is that Jeff and I made the difficult decision to take early retirement from WorldVenture and ministry as of December 31st. This does not mean that we will not have to work. Just the opposite. We are scrambling to find employment before the end of the year since our last paycheck from WorldVenture will be December 1st. Our retirement benefits from WorldVenture are only enough to pay our car payment. We are not thinking of taking Social Security retirement benefits due to the giant cut it would mean in monthly benefits. So God willing, we will get jobs where we can work out our final years.

We both would like work that offers us consistent schedules and not too much stress as we are both still struggling with health issues, me with my back and Jeff with PTSD that doesn't go away.

I applied last Friday via the internet to Home Instead Senior Care, a privately owned franchise which offers non-medical in home care to the elderly. Things have moved very quickly with that and I've been hired and will begin with a light schedule next week. So I am getting my feet wet, so to speak. I'm hoping that I will mostly be involved in offering companionship and assistance with daily life rather than the heavier cleaning and personal care some elderly require. If I can get enough assignments each week this may work out. But it is really only part time and an on call job. It is also minimum wage. So really it is just a way to get some stateside experience for further employment, I think.

Pray Jeff won't get discouraged as he really does not want me to work. He wants to provide for me but so far has had no responses to his application and resume submitted to quite a few places in the manufacturing world. I fear it may be much tougher for him to get his foot in the door than it was for me.

God is the potter and we the clay, as we learn more about trust and patience through this, another huge transition.

DRAWN INTO THE MYSTERY

What's on my mind today is not the medical mystery tour but rather the mystery of the spiritual life I am walking with Jesus. I've just begun reading a book called Drawn Into the Mystery of Jesus by Jean Vanier. At the end of Chapter 3, which is focused on John 1:35-51, Vanier wrote these words:

In this chapter of the Gospel of John, Jesus gathers around him a little group. This is the beginning of their journey with Jesus. It begins with enthusiasm: they have found the Messiah, the 'one who was to come' to liberate their people. This enthusiasm grows as Jesus does wonderful things. They believe in him more and more. He is truly the Messiah. Many of us live this enthusiasm when we begin in a community and with friends to follow Jesus. We give ourselves to an ideal. We admire our leaders and we want to become like them. This is the period of childhood in our spiritual journey. Later we will experience all that is broken in our community, in the church and in us. We will live conflicts and opposition. We will discover that it is not going to be easy to live the ideal. We will have to struggle to be truthful and free and to be servant-leaders like Jesus. We have to grow from spiritual childhood and adolescence to spiritual maturity, and discover the presence of God in the pain of reality. Later, as we move into old age, we will encounter physical weakness and even failure. Like Jesus, and with Jesus, we will be called to enter into the pits of pain, failure and rejection and into a new communication with God. We will discover the weakness and foolishness of God. The journey is just beginning for the first disciples. So, too, we are called to begin a journey of faith with Jesus.

I find myself in this depiction of this mysterious sometimes painful but glorious journey. Perhaps others will also.

NOT ALL IN YOUR HEAD

I hate writing more about my medical issues but that is just part of my story right now. It turns out the pain isn't so mysterious. MRI's revealed there are issues with my spine which warrant seeing an othopedic specialist. I finally got to talk to a scheduler today but she has to verify our insurance will cover a visit to this particular office and doctor. As my PCP said to me Saturday before she left for a month's vacation, "We aren't finished with this yet." I'm not deeply concerned as I know it could be a lot worse than it is. I think my hope is now to be sure it is not caused by tuberculosis which has been my PCP's concern. Once that is settled, I can live with this and thank God that I am still very mobile walking miles at a time when the weather is nice plus fairly functional in the rest of life. I am truly grateful.

THE MYSTERY MEDICAL TOUR

Now I know how Jeff feels after all his years of mysterious medical journeying through labyrinths of tests and scratching of heads. In the midst of it all, daily walking with symptoms affecting functionality, sleep and peace.

I struggle to be gracious and patient as I would choose a simple treatment of the symptoms but seek wisdom in pursing this course of medical detective work, our modern technological way, with a sense that x-rays and MRI's will only reveal that the mystery remains.

I am reminded of one of the greats who walked the earth who in his humanity suffered a "thorn in the flesh" and concluded that to keep him from exalting himself, there was given him that thorn in the flesh, a messenger to buffet him. Rather than wrestling with insurance to get his own way; he wrestled with God, asking three times to be relieved of his suffering and hearing these not so comforting words from above: "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."

His response seems phenomenal and so counter to our culture. His words are recorded: "Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore, I am well content with weaknesses...distresses...difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

Is it possible that our present sufferings are for this same purpose? That we would learn contentment and find Christ's strength in our weakness. My conclusion: Yes, it is very possible.

THERE IS A TENDERNESS THAT BATHES THE WORLD

IN HIM WE LIVE

A thousand fathoms deep our life is plunged

In an exceeding plenitude of grace,

Its folly and its wretchedness expunged,

Its pity hallowed in Love's vast embrace.

Compassion like a flooding river brims

Along the canyon of the squalid street

Ample to lave and heal; and glory rims

The city skyline where dim pinions beat;

And pity like a tide engulfs the foes

Working each other havoc in the fray,

At worst the folly of children unto those

To whom a thousand years is as a day.

Love, that fanatic treasurer of hearts

Who prizes our beloved past our conceit,

Though circumstance converge on them his darts,

Shall fend their spirits in his close retreat.

There is a tenderness that bathes the world,

A peace that shelters terror in its skirt

And where the blind world's thunderbolts are hurled

Guards lest one hair of these dear heads be hurt.

The night is holy with an unseen Guest,

And with an august Lover sacrosanct,

Who stoops in care above the world's unrest,

Whose shining troop in host on host is ranked.

His condescension makes the night air sweet,

And music like a gust of fragrance blown

About our pain from unknown worlds does beat

Its strain of exultation in our own.

The authentic hope of which man grows aware

Reflects itself upon the sunset bars,

Man lends his pity to the midnight air

And presses his compassion on the stars.

by Amos Niven Wilder

Jason Gray- Blessed Be

THE WAY THINGS GO

No word since last writing concerning VA in patient program. Jeff has been faithful to go weekly to a symptoms management class at VA here in Portland. His counselor who has been on a month's vacation is due back next week.

I've been seeing a chiropractor to address increasing back pain. In Africa I just thought the pain was because of bad roads but it hasn't improved and seems to be getting worse. Insurance issues demanded I get a referral from my PCP to have continuing coverage. The result was that rather than giving me a referral she initiated many x-rays and labs to try to get to the root of my pain issues. The outcome is that I am seeing an Arthritis and Bone specialist tomorrow and will start taking Prednisone as there are some mild rheumatoid changes in my spine and hips and indications of autoimmune disorder which may be rheumatoid arthritis or something else. And all I wanted was to continue getting the relief my chiropractor was giving me with her gentle treatment. I'm working with our insurance to see if I can continue both the medical and chiropratic treatments at the same time although my PCP has not been willing to give me a referral.

And that's the way it's been going.

REFLECTIONS

Thinking more about what sounds so romantic regarding our experience of community in Uganda from 2005-2008, I must clarify my own thoughts and confess that it was not nearly as romantic as it sounds from this distance. We had our challenges in community for the most part because of Jeff's and my own baggage. Relationships were often difficult and painful. None of us realized we were dealing with 2 people severely affected with PTSD. I look back at 41 years of marriage recognizing now how our marriage and family has been impacted. It helps a little to understand that. I think many people are amazed that Jeff and I have survived in what might be viewed as a "blighted" relationship. I know that many Vietnam vets have lost wives and families due to the relational challenges spawned by PTSD. I have to say that Jeff and I have been able to survive by God's mercy and grace. In that mercy, Jeff and I have over the years developed a deep commitment to one another which fosters incredible tolerance/compassion for one another's failures and quirks plus a depth of knowledge/understanding of each other's strengths and weaknesses.

These past weeks I've had a lot of time to think. I've taken a long, hard look at my marriage and the man God gave me. Jeff's love and trust in me are phenomenal considering the issues of his childhood (a mother and father who were so consumed by their own brokenness that they were never able to nurture and love their first born, his traumatic war experience and our own brokenness, carrying the baggage of a broken humanity, as we all do. I've also reflected on all the things that Jeff has attempted and accomplished seen in the light of the gross struggle which defeated tens of thousands of this countries veterans in the years following the Vietnam fiasco. I see now a wounded warrior. But I also see an incredibly gifted and resilient man. Even now I watch how he daily fights the shadow of despair and anxiety which lurks seeking to engulf him. A lesser man would have long ago succumbed to the overwhelming urge to withdraw totally from society and/or self destruct.

I am encouraged that the past 2 weeks we've experienced more good days than bad. The darkness has definitely receded. Jeff has begun to re-engage with people and is doing a lot of positive things with increasing regularity. I finally have a sense that our lives are stabilizing after having gone through what might be described as a "perfect storm" (def: An unusually intense storm pattern that catches some commercial fishermen unaware and puts them in mortal danger.)

HOME TONIGHT

I decided to post this link from my blog because it speaks so deeply to me. It is the first time that I have actually heard Henri Nouwen speak. Isn't technology wonderful! We can hear the nuances of a man's voice even though he died over a decade ago. I've so loved his books but hearing him speak these words, words of his own journey, words that help us move closer to the HOME that knowing Jesus offers us, is truly like a warm blanket on a cold night.

http://www.henrinouwen.org/home/mediapanel/hometonight.php

I realized yesterday that I have been feeling so lonely since leaving our community in Adjumani. Our community, though set down in the harsh environment of Northern Uganda and moving into Southern Sudan, was like no other I've experienced since our early years with Norwegian Church Aide in Juba and Nairobi. It included young people from the USA and our Ugandan and Sudanese friends and colleagues. There was a focus outward away from ourselves but still bringing a sense of home and belonging in ways we have not found "at home" in the USA. It was several years of relationships which became like family. We felt safe together. We supported one another. We opened wide the door for embracing the larger community using the gifting of each individual to love and reach out to the poor, the orphans, the widows, the most vulnerable.

But our health broke thrusting us into a tailspin away from so much that seemed deeply meaningful in our lives. I understand the necessity of being in the USA. I am truly grateful for the medical care we are receiving. I treasure being near our family. And yet I've continued to feel lonely and wounded. The past week was especially hard as I've struggled with my own physical pain affecting my back and knees caused, I think, by arthritis. I've been seeing a chiropractor and will see my PCP Monday. However, for several days I was unable to even go for the walks that so help me to maintain perspective, allowing me to move out from our small apartment into fresh air.

I realize that Jeff and I have by necessity, perhaps, curtailed our social life while we struggle to find physical and emotional healing. But that very fact has deepened my sense of loneliness.

Then yesterday I discovered this message by Henri Nouwen which helps me make sense of all of this. I feel as if I have finally come home.

ENCOURAGED BY THE STORY OF ELIJAH

Missed church this morning having a discussion with my beloved. The discussion failed to encourage him but I found comfort from the story of the prophet Elijah who was lonely, depressed wanting to die after very intense ministry (kind of like someone I know). The story recorded in 1 Kings 19 and 2 Kings 2, tells how God sent angels to feed him. Then God had a conversation with Elijah listening to him and speaking to him gently restoring hope and giving him Elisha to accompany him on the rest of his life journey.

Praying the same for my beloved husband trusting Psalm 23 is a true picture of how God shepherds his people.

That's the God I love!