Friday, October 15, 2010

DRAWN INTO THE MYSTERY

What's on my mind today is not the medical mystery tour but rather the mystery of the spiritual life I am walking with Jesus. I've just begun reading a book called Drawn Into the Mystery of Jesus by Jean Vanier. At the end of Chapter 3, which is focused on John 1:35-51, Vanier wrote these words:
In this chapter of the Gospel of John, Jesus gathers around him a little group. This is the beginning of their journey with Jesus. It begins with enthusiasm: they have found the Messiah, the 'one who was to come' to liberate their people. This enthusiasm grows as Jesus does wonderful things. They believe in him more and more. He is truly the Messiah. Many of us live this enthusiasm when we begin in a community and with friends to follow Jesus. We give ourselves to an ideal. We admire our leaders and we want to become like them. This is the period of childhood in our spiritual journey. Later we will experience all that is broken in our community, in the church and in us. We will live conflicts and opposition. We will discover that it is not going to be easy to live the ideal. We will have to struggle to be truthful and free and to be servant-leaders like Jesus. We have to grow from spiritual childhood and adolescence to spiritual maturity, and discover the presence of God in the pain of reality. Later, as we move into old age, we will encounter physical weakness and even failure. Like Jesus, and with Jesus, we will be called to enter into the pits of pain, failure and rejection and into a new communication with God. We will discover the weakness and foolishness of God. The journey is just beginning for the first disciples. So, too, we are called to begin a journey of faith with Jesus.
I find myself in this depiction of this mysterious sometimes painful but glorious journey. Perhaps others will also.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

NOT ALL IN YOUR HEAD

I hate writing more about my medical issues but that is just part of my story right now. It turns out the pain isn't so mysterious. MRI's revealed there are issues with my spine which warrant seeing an othopedic specialist. I finally got to talk to a scheduler today but she has to verify our insurance will cover a visit to this particular office and doctor. As my PCP said to me Saturday before she left for a month's vacation, "We aren't finished with this yet." I'm not deeply concerned as I know it could be a lot worse than it is. I think my hope is now to be sure it is not caused by tuberculosis which has been my PCP's concern. Once that is settled, I can live with this and thank God that I am still very mobile walking miles at a time when the weather is nice plus fairly functional in the rest of life. I am truly grateful.


Sunday, October 3, 2010

THE MYSTERY MEDICAL TOUR

Now I know how Jeff feels after all his years of mysterious medical journeying through labyrinths of tests and scratching of heads. In the midst of it all, daily walking with symptoms affecting functionality, sleep and peace.

I struggle to be gracious and patient as I would choose a simple treatment of the symptoms but seek wisdom in pursing this course of medical detective work, our modern technological way, with a sense that x-rays and MRI's will only reveal that the mystery remains.

I am reminded of one of the greats who walked the earth who in his humanity suffered a "thorn in the flesh" and concluded that to keep him from exalting himself, there was given him that thorn in the flesh, a messenger to buffet him. Rather than wrestling with insurance to get his own way; he wrestled with God, asking three times to be relieved of his suffering and hearing these not so comforting words from above: "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."

His response seems phenomenal and so counter to our culture. His words are recorded: "Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore, I am well content with weaknesses...distresses...difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

Is it possible that our present sufferings are for this same purpose? That we would learn contentment and find Christ's strength in our weakness. My conclusion: Yes, it is very possible.

Friday, October 1, 2010

THERE IS A TENDERNESS THAT BATHES THE WORLD


IN HIM WE LIVE

A thousand fathoms deep our life is plunged
In an exceeding plenitude of grace,
Its folly and its wretchedness expunged,
Its pity hallowed in Love's vast embrace.

Compassion like a flooding river brims
Along the canyon of the squalid street
Ample to lave and heal; and glory rims
The city skyline where dim pinions beat;

And pity like a tide engulfs the foes
Working each other havoc in the fray,
At worst the folly of children unto those
To whom a thousand years is as a day.

Love, that fanatic treasurer of hearts
Who prizes our beloved past our conceit,
Though circumstance converge on them his darts,
Shall fend their spirits in his close retreat.

There is a tenderness that bathes the world,
A peace that shelters terror in its skirt
And where the blind world's thunderbolts are hurled
Guards lest one hair of these dear heads be hurt.

The night is holy with an unseen Guest,
And with an august Lover sacrosanct,
Who stoops in care above the world's unrest,
Whose shining troop in host on host is ranked.

His condescension makes the night air sweet,
And music like a gust of fragrance blown
About our pain from unknown worlds does beat
Its strain of exultation in our own.

The authentic hope of which man grows aware
Reflects itself upon the sunset bars,
Man lends his pity to the midnight air
And presses his compassion on the stars.
by Amos Niven Wilder

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

THE WAY THINGS GO

No word since last writing concerning VA in patient program. Jeff has been faithful to go weekly to a symptoms management class at VA here in Portland. His counselor who has been on a month's vacation is due back next week.

I've been seeing a chiropractor to address increasing back pain. In Africa I just thought the pain was because of bad roads but it hasn't improved and seems to be getting worse. Insurance issues demanded I get a referral from my PCP to have continuing coverage. The result was that rather than giving me a referral she initiated many x-rays and labs to try to get to the root of my pain issues. The outcome is that I am seeing an Arthritis and Bone specialist tomorrow and will start taking Prednisone as there are some mild rheumatoid changes in my spine and hips and indications of autoimmune disorder which may be rheumatoid arthritis or something else. And all I wanted was to continue getting the relief my chiropractor was giving me with her gentle treatment. I'm working with our insurance to see if I can continue both the medical and chiropratic treatments at the same time although my PCP has not been willing to give me a referral.

And that's the way it's been going.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

REFLECTIONS

Thinking more about what sounds so romantic regarding our experience of community in Uganda from 2005-2008, I must clarify my own thoughts and confess that it was not nearly as romantic as it sounds from this distance. We had our challenges in community for the most part because of Jeff's and my own baggage. Relationships were often difficult and painful. None of us realized we were dealing with 2 people severely affected with PTSD. I look back at 41 years of marriage recognizing now how our marriage and family has been impacted. It helps a little to understand that. I think many people are amazed that Jeff and I have survived in what might be viewed as a "blighted" relationship. I know that many Vietnam vets have lost wives and families due to the relational challenges spawned by PTSD. I have to say that Jeff and I have been able to survive by God's mercy and grace. In that mercy, Jeff and I have over the years developed a deep commitment to one another which fosters incredible tolerance/compassion for one another's failures and quirks plus a depth of knowledge/understanding of each other's strengths and weaknesses.

These past weeks I've had a lot of time to think. I've taken a long, hard look at my marriage and the man God gave me. Jeff's love and trust in me are phenomenal considering the issues of his childhood (a mother and father who were so consumed by their own brokenness that they were never able to nurture and love their first born, his traumatic war experience and our own brokenness, carrying the baggage of a broken humanity, as we all do. I've also reflected on all the things that Jeff has attempted and accomplished seen in the light of the gross struggle which defeated tens of thousands of this countries veterans in the years following the Vietnam fiasco. I see now a wounded warrior. But I also see an incredibly gifted and resilient man. Even now I watch how he daily fights the shadow of despair and anxiety which lurks seeking to engulf him. A lesser man would have long ago succumbed to the overwhelming urge to withdraw totally from society and/or self destruct.

I am encouraged that the past 2 weeks we've experienced more good days than bad. The darkness has definitely receded. Jeff has begun to re-engage with people and is doing a lot of positive things with increasing regularity. I finally have a sense that our lives are stabilizing after having gone through what might be described as a "perfect storm" (def: An unusually intense storm pattern that catches some commercial fishermen unaware and puts them in mortal danger.)