This is an amazing awakening learning about Combat PTSD and especially the PTSD generated from the Vietnam campaign. I find it has given me a new lens through which to view a lot of our personal history the past four decades. It's as if we were in the dark for over 40 years and the day is dawning. It is neither good nor bad. It's just the way it is. But how do we integrate our past with the present? That's the assignment, don'tcha know.
It's as if Vietnam lives on in the hearts and minds of those who served in that terrible war and so colors the way they look at the world. There is a ghost that stalks each one and unbeknown to family and friends touches the lives of all who are in the veteran's lives. It is fear, depression, anxiety and especially cynicism that grips the soul of this countries sons and daughters of the 60's and 70's. I am glad to finally understand a little and to now walk more in touch with the continuing emotional pain left as the unrepairable wound of a war that betrayed them.
If anyone wants to gain new understanding, just read Out of Night, The Spiritual Journey of Vietnam Vets by William Mahedy, a Vietnam vet who served as a chaplain in the war and has been helping Vietnam Vets ever since. Or if you can stand to read the all too realistic depiction of the war itself, read Matterhorn, A Novel of the Vietnam War by Karl Marlantes born in Seaside, Oregon and a decorated hero of the war. Jeff is reading it and wanted to read aloud to me. I could only stand about 5 minutes of the saga before I had to ask him to stop. I realize, however, it has deep meaning for him as he makes this journey inward in confronting that long distant experience of his own buried past. Now I pray he'll be able to walk through that dark night and come through with a fresh grasp of the grace and mercy of God which kept him and has kept us these past 41 years.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
WINDOW OF HOPE
Jeff had his first counseling session this morning with a VA counselor. Jeff has invited me to stay with him during the counseling so I got to see how it went. I have to say it was the best piece of counseling I have ever had the privilege of witnessing. I have never seen Jeff so engaged by anyone like he did today with David Ryan. I am so very grateful! My hope and prayer is that it will just build from here.
Tomorrow we see Deb Wilson his prescribing nurse and she's going to do more along the counseling line than she has to date. I know Jeff likes her and should do well with her, too. But she's going to probe a little so it should be interesting as David's assignment for Jeff the rest of this week is to try to stay present with his emotions and note what is going on with his thoughts and reactions. He helped Jeff better understand what PTSD is and will be working with him to help identify how it is specifically impacting him. I've learned through the Family Ed class that for each person who struggles with PTSD their journey is unique to them. I learned some things about Jeff just sitting listening to his dialogue with David that I never before understood about his thoughts and beliefs.
I think today has opened a window of hope that we've not felt before now.
Tomorrow we see Deb Wilson his prescribing nurse and she's going to do more along the counseling line than she has to date. I know Jeff likes her and should do well with her, too. But she's going to probe a little so it should be interesting as David's assignment for Jeff the rest of this week is to try to stay present with his emotions and note what is going on with his thoughts and reactions. He helped Jeff better understand what PTSD is and will be working with him to help identify how it is specifically impacting him. I've learned through the Family Ed class that for each person who struggles with PTSD their journey is unique to them. I learned some things about Jeff just sitting listening to his dialogue with David that I never before understood about his thoughts and beliefs.
I think today has opened a window of hope that we've not felt before now.
PERSPECTIVES ON OIL SPILLS
BODO, Nigeria (Reuters) - Using two large yellow tubes to funnel polluted water into his small wooden boat, Nigerian teenager Daniel Muukor helps to "mop up" the latest oil spill in the creeks of the Niger Delta.
But Muukor is not part of Nigeria's federal response effort to contain the spill -- the 15-year-old is stealing the oil to sell on the black market.
The only evidence of a clean-up effort in the creeks of Bodo is an abandoned orange containment boom the length of two canoes floating nearby, which residents say was placed there by oil company workers, not the government.
No robotic submarines to contain the spill, no high-profile government investigation into the cause, and no compensation handed out to affected communities.
This is Nigeria, not the United States.
Daily news coverage of the U.S. government's all-out fight to contain the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, the country's largest environmental disaster, only reminds Nigerians of the type of arsenal rich countries have at their disposal.
"In the U.S., they have a response from the government. But in Nigeria, there is no response," said John Nyiedah, assistant secretary for the town's main youth group.
"They keep saying they will come today, they will come tomorrow. But they never come."
Millions of gallons of oil have poured in the U.S. Gulf since an April 20 offshore rig blast killed 11 workers and blew out a BP Plc well.
The spill has soiled 120 miles of U.S. coastline, imperiled multi-billion dollar fishing and tourism industries and killed birds, sea turtles and dolphins.
President Barack Obama has pushed BP to compensate spill victims, while U.S. lawmakers have accused the firm of taking risky shortcuts on its blown-out well.
OIL SPILLS
In the Niger Delta, home to Africa's biggest oil and gas industry and thousands of miles away from the U.S. Gulf crisis, oil spills have been left to fester for decades, polluting the air, soil, and water of impoverished communities.
No one knows for sure how much oil has seeped into the rivers and creeks of the Niger Delta, but environmentalists say the ecological impact over time in one of the world's largest wetlands is much worse than in the United States.
"The oil spills in the Niger Delta are more than what has happened in the Gulf of Mexico," said Alagoa Morris, field monitor for Environmental Rights Action in Bayelsa state.
"Some Nigerian spill sites are allowed to spew crude oil into the environment for up to two months."
But President Goodluck Jonathan's administration disagrees, saying its oil spills are much smaller than in the United States and are usually clamped within a few days.
"The kind of situation we have in the Gulf of Mexico, we haven't had that in 10 years in Nigeria," Environment Minister John Odey said.
"It is a fallacy for some people to compare the spill in the Gulf of Mexico to what happens here."
Oil firms say many recent spills were caused by militant attacks or saboteurs tapping into pipelines to steal crude.
The largest operator in Nigeria, Royal Dutch Shell, says it cleans up oil spills as quickly as possible whatever their cause but says it is sometimes delayed by security concerns or because communities deny access.
The Anglo-Dutch giant said its joint venture in Nigeria lost almost 14,000 tonnes of oil through spills last year alone, largely because of attacks on its facilities.
UNEMPLOYED FISHERMEN
Bodo, located just outside Nigeria's oil hub Port Harcourt, is one of several oil communities in the Niger Delta that has been devastated by years of oil spills.
At the town's creeks, children emerge from playing in the water with beads of oil stuck to their skin, while a handful of unemployed fishermen stare at the dead black-stained plants that line the shore.
"Two years ago, I was fishing everyday but that stopped because of the spillage of oil," said Innocent Tonwee, a 46-year-old father of four. "We're totally frustrated. I don't know what to do."
Some residents say they have no choice but to turn to the lucrative but illegal trade of crude oil theft, known locally as bunkering, to make a living.
"There are no fish to catch. I have no choice. This is my living now," Muukor said, dressed in oil-stained plaid shorts, his yellow T-shirt tied around his head to block the sun.
The teenager can make up to 10,000 naira ($67) a day collecting polluted oil, a decent wage compared to most of Nigeria's 140 million people who make less than $2 a day.
Muukor will take his oil-filled canoe to one of the many illegal refining sites, easily found by the smoke clouds billowing from the mangroves throughout the creeks.
There, the oil will be boiled and purified to be sold for cooking or to fuel generators.
Bunkering has also helped fund criminality in the Niger Delta, where kidnappings for ransom and carjacking are common.
Unrest in the region has kept the OPEC member from pumping much above two thirds of its 3 million barrels per day oil capacity, costing sub-Saharan Africa's second biggest economy billions of dollars in lost revenue each year.
But Muukor is not part of Nigeria's federal response effort to contain the spill -- the 15-year-old is stealing the oil to sell on the black market.
The only evidence of a clean-up effort in the creeks of Bodo is an abandoned orange containment boom the length of two canoes floating nearby, which residents say was placed there by oil company workers, not the government.
No robotic submarines to contain the spill, no high-profile government investigation into the cause, and no compensation handed out to affected communities.
This is Nigeria, not the United States.
Daily news coverage of the U.S. government's all-out fight to contain the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, the country's largest environmental disaster, only reminds Nigerians of the type of arsenal rich countries have at their disposal.
"In the U.S., they have a response from the government. But in Nigeria, there is no response," said John Nyiedah, assistant secretary for the town's main youth group.
"They keep saying they will come today, they will come tomorrow. But they never come."
Millions of gallons of oil have poured in the U.S. Gulf since an April 20 offshore rig blast killed 11 workers and blew out a BP Plc well.
The spill has soiled 120 miles of U.S. coastline, imperiled multi-billion dollar fishing and tourism industries and killed birds, sea turtles and dolphins.
President Barack Obama has pushed BP to compensate spill victims, while U.S. lawmakers have accused the firm of taking risky shortcuts on its blown-out well.
OIL SPILLS
In the Niger Delta, home to Africa's biggest oil and gas industry and thousands of miles away from the U.S. Gulf crisis, oil spills have been left to fester for decades, polluting the air, soil, and water of impoverished communities.
No one knows for sure how much oil has seeped into the rivers and creeks of the Niger Delta, but environmentalists say the ecological impact over time in one of the world's largest wetlands is much worse than in the United States.
"The oil spills in the Niger Delta are more than what has happened in the Gulf of Mexico," said Alagoa Morris, field monitor for Environmental Rights Action in Bayelsa state.
"Some Nigerian spill sites are allowed to spew crude oil into the environment for up to two months."
But President Goodluck Jonathan's administration disagrees, saying its oil spills are much smaller than in the United States and are usually clamped within a few days.
"The kind of situation we have in the Gulf of Mexico, we haven't had that in 10 years in Nigeria," Environment Minister John Odey said.
"It is a fallacy for some people to compare the spill in the Gulf of Mexico to what happens here."
Oil firms say many recent spills were caused by militant attacks or saboteurs tapping into pipelines to steal crude.
The largest operator in Nigeria, Royal Dutch Shell, says it cleans up oil spills as quickly as possible whatever their cause but says it is sometimes delayed by security concerns or because communities deny access.
The Anglo-Dutch giant said its joint venture in Nigeria lost almost 14,000 tonnes of oil through spills last year alone, largely because of attacks on its facilities.
UNEMPLOYED FISHERMEN
Bodo, located just outside Nigeria's oil hub Port Harcourt, is one of several oil communities in the Niger Delta that has been devastated by years of oil spills.
At the town's creeks, children emerge from playing in the water with beads of oil stuck to their skin, while a handful of unemployed fishermen stare at the dead black-stained plants that line the shore.
"Two years ago, I was fishing everyday but that stopped because of the spillage of oil," said Innocent Tonwee, a 46-year-old father of four. "We're totally frustrated. I don't know what to do."
Some residents say they have no choice but to turn to the lucrative but illegal trade of crude oil theft, known locally as bunkering, to make a living.
"There are no fish to catch. I have no choice. This is my living now," Muukor said, dressed in oil-stained plaid shorts, his yellow T-shirt tied around his head to block the sun.
The teenager can make up to 10,000 naira ($67) a day collecting polluted oil, a decent wage compared to most of Nigeria's 140 million people who make less than $2 a day.
Muukor will take his oil-filled canoe to one of the many illegal refining sites, easily found by the smoke clouds billowing from the mangroves throughout the creeks.
There, the oil will be boiled and purified to be sold for cooking or to fuel generators.
Bunkering has also helped fund criminality in the Niger Delta, where kidnappings for ransom and carjacking are common.
Unrest in the region has kept the OPEC member from pumping much above two thirds of its 3 million barrels per day oil capacity, costing sub-Saharan Africa's second biggest economy billions of dollars in lost revenue each year.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
FIREFLIES OF MY MIND
Now I have time, I want to organize all my journals from over the years. This week I've been reading what I wrote on corresponding days in 2008.
Jeff and I were on a road trip into Sudan with Hal Hansen, a geologist from Ukiah, California, to evaluate boreholes in the Magwi area where we were trying to open the SudanVenture Resource Center to help the resettlement of thousands of refugees being repatriated from Uganda. My journal entry reminded me of the exhaustion of the 8 or 9 hour journey of about 100 miles to our work area the day before. It was night by the time Jeff and I got to our camp and set up our air beds in the grass thatched hut we called home there. A memory captured in my journal brought back the earthy smells, the sounds of silence punctuated with wild bush noises and emotions of that night, feeling amazed to find myself in this place where few white women would ever walk, the privilege of being there and the sense of being totally overwhelmed and full of fear for the wellbeing of hundreds of thousands of people returning to their devastated land after decades of war. I wrote:
Jeff and I were on a road trip into Sudan with Hal Hansen, a geologist from Ukiah, California, to evaluate boreholes in the Magwi area where we were trying to open the SudanVenture Resource Center to help the resettlement of thousands of refugees being repatriated from Uganda. My journal entry reminded me of the exhaustion of the 8 or 9 hour journey of about 100 miles to our work area the day before. It was night by the time Jeff and I got to our camp and set up our air beds in the grass thatched hut we called home there. A memory captured in my journal brought back the earthy smells, the sounds of silence punctuated with wild bush noises and emotions of that night, feeling amazed to find myself in this place where few white women would ever walk, the privilege of being there and the sense of being totally overwhelmed and full of fear for the wellbeing of hundreds of thousands of people returning to their devastated land after decades of war. I wrote:
June 12, 2008
"We went into town for dinner (beans, rice & fish) then to settle Hal and his daughter and her best friend, Katie, at the rustic Magwi Guesthouse where the only security was a nail in the woodwork to twist round to keep the door from blowing open in a strong wind. As we walked through town people warmly greeted us. The chief of Panyakwara threw his arms around Jeff and hugged him several times. Francis, our Sudanese Co-Director, said people are encouraged to see Kirsten and Katie...young white women coming to visit. Even at the Sudan border I could see people were excited to have some youth coming. The young Sudanese immigration officer commented on how young the girls are (they had just graduated from high school having not yet turned 18).
Thank You, Lord, for encouraging us and the people of Sudan Thank You for the courage of these young American women and their willingness to 'rough it' with us.
Back at our site, Jeff and I had to set up our beds after dark and were challenged by our exhaustion but managed and were happy to get to bed. Fireflies rested on my mosquito net giving an illusion of a starlit night."
Friday, June 11, 2010
DEFINITELY NOT
Whew! Yesterday was one of those days where hyper-vigilance kicked in and my nerves were zinging most of that day into the evening. I decided I should confirm with the people at Link Care in Fresno that we would indeed have the care we need to follow up after seeing the VA Mental Health people here who have been trying to adjust Jeff's meds to get him stabilized. I wrote an e-mail asking if Link Care could assure us that there would be a doctor available to track with us on that issue. I included my phone number in the e-mail so very soon I received a phone call from the administrator we had been working with to get into the Link Care Program. I was asked, "What's going on?" as if our mission and I had not been communicating the dire straits we've been in with Jeff's intense struggle with PTSD including the rage and depression that are common with it. I proceeded to explain the very emotional ride we've been on for the past 5 months and that I wanted to be sure there would be proper care for Jeff when we arrived in Fresno. I could hear the administrator madly typing taking notes at his computer as I talked. Then he asked if Jeff would be a threat to other missionaries during our stay at Link Care. I assured him Jeff is not a violent man. He also quickly stated that he was not sure the Link Care program would be appropriate and worth the huge amount of money, that is, it may not be beneficial, for us at this point. So I asked, "Are you telling me that we should not come down this weekend? That we were planning to leave Saturday to arrive Monday. And can you assure me that there will be a prescribing doctor who can work with us on the meds?" He quickly said, "No." Meaning we should still, at that point, plan to come. And, "No", we could not count on having a prescribing doctor's care. I said, "Well, then, the door is closed." He said, "Let's not be hasty." He wanted to talk with the program director about our issues and that he would get back to us.
At quarter past 3, when Jeff and I were ready to leave for his VA Mental Health appointment, the Link Care administrator called and read a statement that they would require a written note or document stating that Jeff is medically stable, able to do 13 hours of counseling per week including group sessions and that he would not be a threat to the other missionaries in the Link Care community.
Okay! Now we had something to go on. I was grateful.
At VA not only did we meet with the Nurse Practitioner who has been prescribing meds; she brought in the Social Services man who has been looking into helping us figure out the plan for PTSD In-Patient treatment either in Tacoma or somewhere else. We told them what was asked of them by Link Care and we were assured that Jeff is NOT medically stable enough to go into that kind of counseling setting. They asked if we would like to now step up the VA out-patient treatment which is required as preparation for the In-Patient Treatment. David, the Social Services man, explained that due to the nature of PTSD there were criteria that they have to meet through preparing the Vet to learn how to move away from their "Fight or Flight" coping mechanisms so that they won't bale out of the more intense In Patient program where they must deal with painful inner wounds.
So at last, it feels like we are in the system. AT LAST! THANK GOD! Jeff and I had been praying that God would close and open doors for us as we did not feel we were wise enough nor healthy enough to make those decisions on our own. That is why we were leaning into our member care at WorldVenture. I so appreciated the prayerful way they were approaching it, as well. So the door to Link Care was definitely closed yesterday and the door to VA treatment seems definitely opened. I cannot tell you how much peace that gives us both. We have 2 appointments in place next week to begin the deeper work of symptom management which is their expertise with Combat related Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and they will continue to track Jeff's meds. Now we pray that we'll be able to grow spiritually and recover some sense of wellbeing emotionally and physically through this next phase of the journey.
At quarter past 3, when Jeff and I were ready to leave for his VA Mental Health appointment, the Link Care administrator called and read a statement that they would require a written note or document stating that Jeff is medically stable, able to do 13 hours of counseling per week including group sessions and that he would not be a threat to the other missionaries in the Link Care community.
Okay! Now we had something to go on. I was grateful.
At VA not only did we meet with the Nurse Practitioner who has been prescribing meds; she brought in the Social Services man who has been looking into helping us figure out the plan for PTSD In-Patient treatment either in Tacoma or somewhere else. We told them what was asked of them by Link Care and we were assured that Jeff is NOT medically stable enough to go into that kind of counseling setting. They asked if we would like to now step up the VA out-patient treatment which is required as preparation for the In-Patient Treatment. David, the Social Services man, explained that due to the nature of PTSD there were criteria that they have to meet through preparing the Vet to learn how to move away from their "Fight or Flight" coping mechanisms so that they won't bale out of the more intense In Patient program where they must deal with painful inner wounds.
So at last, it feels like we are in the system. AT LAST! THANK GOD! Jeff and I had been praying that God would close and open doors for us as we did not feel we were wise enough nor healthy enough to make those decisions on our own. That is why we were leaning into our member care at WorldVenture. I so appreciated the prayerful way they were approaching it, as well. So the door to Link Care was definitely closed yesterday and the door to VA treatment seems definitely opened. I cannot tell you how much peace that gives us both. We have 2 appointments in place next week to begin the deeper work of symptom management which is their expertise with Combat related Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and they will continue to track Jeff's meds. Now we pray that we'll be able to grow spiritually and recover some sense of wellbeing emotionally and physically through this next phase of the journey.
Monday, June 7, 2010
DEVELOPING PLAN
We finally figured out the details of going to Link Care. Link Care is a Christian Counseling Center in Fresno, California. It's been so difficult as our emotions have been at play in all of this. There is a lot of fear in facing doing something that will probe the inner places of our phsyche and selves. It seems so much easier to isolate and just avoid facing the realities of loss and pain.
I'm praying for a sense of peace as all of this is a bit overwhelming. We will be there beginning June 14 for possibly 2 months of treatment. I am praying for the journey down there as we are already exhausted and then for humble hearts to engage in the treatment program they have for us there. Bottom line, I am praying for healing in both our lives. Link Care is specifically focused on dealing with missionary burnout. I feel we have never taken time to step back and get perspective after leaving our ministry in Africa. We've experienced a lot of loss and need time to work through the grief and to get perspective on life now. It may not address the PTSD but maybe it will touch on that broken place, too, if we can allow ourselves to go there with the counselors.
I have to admit I am challenged to my core to keep hoping. I continue to cling to the words of King David: "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord."
I'm praying for a sense of peace as all of this is a bit overwhelming. We will be there beginning June 14 for possibly 2 months of treatment. I am praying for the journey down there as we are already exhausted and then for humble hearts to engage in the treatment program they have for us there. Bottom line, I am praying for healing in both our lives. Link Care is specifically focused on dealing with missionary burnout. I feel we have never taken time to step back and get perspective after leaving our ministry in Africa. We've experienced a lot of loss and need time to work through the grief and to get perspective on life now. It may not address the PTSD but maybe it will touch on that broken place, too, if we can allow ourselves to go there with the counselors.
I have to admit I am challenged to my core to keep hoping. I continue to cling to the words of King David: "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord."
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