Jason Gray- Blessed Be

THE WAY THINGS GO

No word since last writing concerning VA in patient program. Jeff has been faithful to go weekly to a symptoms management class at VA here in Portland. His counselor who has been on a month's vacation is due back next week.

I've been seeing a chiropractor to address increasing back pain. In Africa I just thought the pain was because of bad roads but it hasn't improved and seems to be getting worse. Insurance issues demanded I get a referral from my PCP to have continuing coverage. The result was that rather than giving me a referral she initiated many x-rays and labs to try to get to the root of my pain issues. The outcome is that I am seeing an Arthritis and Bone specialist tomorrow and will start taking Prednisone as there are some mild rheumatoid changes in my spine and hips and indications of autoimmune disorder which may be rheumatoid arthritis or something else. And all I wanted was to continue getting the relief my chiropractor was giving me with her gentle treatment. I'm working with our insurance to see if I can continue both the medical and chiropratic treatments at the same time although my PCP has not been willing to give me a referral.

And that's the way it's been going.

REFLECTIONS

Thinking more about what sounds so romantic regarding our experience of community in Uganda from 2005-2008, I must clarify my own thoughts and confess that it was not nearly as romantic as it sounds from this distance. We had our challenges in community for the most part because of Jeff's and my own baggage. Relationships were often difficult and painful. None of us realized we were dealing with 2 people severely affected with PTSD. I look back at 41 years of marriage recognizing now how our marriage and family has been impacted. It helps a little to understand that. I think many people are amazed that Jeff and I have survived in what might be viewed as a "blighted" relationship. I know that many Vietnam vets have lost wives and families due to the relational challenges spawned by PTSD. I have to say that Jeff and I have been able to survive by God's mercy and grace. In that mercy, Jeff and I have over the years developed a deep commitment to one another which fosters incredible tolerance/compassion for one another's failures and quirks plus a depth of knowledge/understanding of each other's strengths and weaknesses.

These past weeks I've had a lot of time to think. I've taken a long, hard look at my marriage and the man God gave me. Jeff's love and trust in me are phenomenal considering the issues of his childhood (a mother and father who were so consumed by their own brokenness that they were never able to nurture and love their first born, his traumatic war experience and our own brokenness, carrying the baggage of a broken humanity, as we all do. I've also reflected on all the things that Jeff has attempted and accomplished seen in the light of the gross struggle which defeated tens of thousands of this countries veterans in the years following the Vietnam fiasco. I see now a wounded warrior. But I also see an incredibly gifted and resilient man. Even now I watch how he daily fights the shadow of despair and anxiety which lurks seeking to engulf him. A lesser man would have long ago succumbed to the overwhelming urge to withdraw totally from society and/or self destruct.

I am encouraged that the past 2 weeks we've experienced more good days than bad. The darkness has definitely receded. Jeff has begun to re-engage with people and is doing a lot of positive things with increasing regularity. I finally have a sense that our lives are stabilizing after having gone through what might be described as a "perfect storm" (def: An unusually intense storm pattern that catches some commercial fishermen unaware and puts them in mortal danger.)

HOME TONIGHT

I decided to post this link from my blog because it speaks so deeply to me. It is the first time that I have actually heard Henri Nouwen speak. Isn't technology wonderful! We can hear the nuances of a man's voice even though he died over a decade ago. I've so loved his books but hearing him speak these words, words of his own journey, words that help us move closer to the HOME that knowing Jesus offers us, is truly like a warm blanket on a cold night.

http://www.henrinouwen.org/home/mediapanel/hometonight.php

I realized yesterday that I have been feeling so lonely since leaving our community in Adjumani. Our community, though set down in the harsh environment of Northern Uganda and moving into Southern Sudan, was like no other I've experienced since our early years with Norwegian Church Aide in Juba and Nairobi. It included young people from the USA and our Ugandan and Sudanese friends and colleagues. There was a focus outward away from ourselves but still bringing a sense of home and belonging in ways we have not found "at home" in the USA. It was several years of relationships which became like family. We felt safe together. We supported one another. We opened wide the door for embracing the larger community using the gifting of each individual to love and reach out to the poor, the orphans, the widows, the most vulnerable.

But our health broke thrusting us into a tailspin away from so much that seemed deeply meaningful in our lives. I understand the necessity of being in the USA. I am truly grateful for the medical care we are receiving. I treasure being near our family. And yet I've continued to feel lonely and wounded. The past week was especially hard as I've struggled with my own physical pain affecting my back and knees caused, I think, by arthritis. I've been seeing a chiropractor and will see my PCP Monday. However, for several days I was unable to even go for the walks that so help me to maintain perspective, allowing me to move out from our small apartment into fresh air.

I realize that Jeff and I have by necessity, perhaps, curtailed our social life while we struggle to find physical and emotional healing. But that very fact has deepened my sense of loneliness.

Then yesterday I discovered this message by Henri Nouwen which helps me make sense of all of this. I feel as if I have finally come home.

ENCOURAGED BY THE STORY OF ELIJAH

Missed church this morning having a discussion with my beloved. The discussion failed to encourage him but I found comfort from the story of the prophet Elijah who was lonely, depressed wanting to die after very intense ministry (kind of like someone I know). The story recorded in 1 Kings 19 and 2 Kings 2, tells how God sent angels to feed him. Then God had a conversation with Elijah listening to him and speaking to him gently restoring hope and giving him Elisha to accompany him on the rest of his life journey.

Praying the same for my beloved husband trusting Psalm 23 is a true picture of how God shepherds his people.

That's the God I love!