Wounded Heart

Jeff spent a couple of nights in VA Hospital last week while they monitored and tested him for heart failure as he had symptoms which would have led one to believe he was going there. After all the tests and hours of monitoring he was deemed out of danger. No blockages only a slight heart murmur possibly just blood passing through the heart valve? What the testing could not detect was that his heart is wounded not physically speaking but in every other way.

King David wrote in Psalm 109:21-23 of his own similar experience at a time when he was under great duress. It touched me deeply as I read his words this morning.

O Sovereign Lord, deal well with me for your name's sake; out of the goodness of your love deliver me, for I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me. I fade away like an evening shadow; I am shaken off like a locust. Help me O Lord, my God.

Last night I learned more about PTSD and it's treatment. Central to PTSD is loss: loss of identity, loss of innocence, loss of familiar things, loss of time when all the world seems to shift, loss of relationships and connection, loss of significance, loss of vision and mission, loss of brotherhood with those left behind, loss of purpose, loss of a sense of connectedness with God, loss of self-esteem, loss of home, loss of friends. In the loss, arises the need to grieve. Need to access the emotions tied to those losses even though numb and unable to feel. With treatment perhaps then to integrate who he was before with who he is now and to recognize growth. I learned it is a process, a journey which takes time.

But in the meantime looking for some significant help with the process and the journey, we wait. I watch with some anxiety; will help come soon? I wait with sadness as I see the world move on leaving my wounded soldier in the margins.

Last night Jeff received a phone call at 10 p.m. which moved him to go to his office today and clear out his things to make room for someone who needs that space.

Left a message with the RN at the Mental Health Clinic this morning asking what to expect in the way of treatment? Are they tired of hearing from us? No one has returned that call. Hoping it's just that they are still working on the scheduling.

This afternoon I called his Primary Care Doctor at VA to make an appointment to follow up after his hospital stay. As I spoke with the doctor's office and it became apparent no appointment is available that my heart is pierced as I hear Jeff say, "They don't want to see me?" The doctor will be reviewing Jeff's file and will set up a phone appointment rather than an office visit. After that kind of day, he's gone to bed "not feeling well". My heart is so sad for him today as we wait.

LEARNING

Yes, I am finally learning more about this VA system we are trying to launch into. Today I finally called the Billing Information number and found out why we've not been receiving any bills from all the office visits both for the mental health and the primary care. There is good news here! Jeff is in a priority catagory that allows him to receive services both for out patient and in patient services free of charge. What a relief! We thought we were going to be hit with some incredible bill with the numerous office visits we are making. It is wonderful to have that cloud removed from over our heads.

I also have placed a call to the clinic and am waiting for them to call back with hopes of hearing something concerning scheduling further treatment as it has been 2 weeks tomorrow since we last were seen by the Nurse Practitioner. It took learning how to work through the VA system phone numbers and extensions to actually raise someone in person in the clinic.

Another positive is that the Family Ed group really met yesterday with mothers', a father and spouses' of soldiers effected by PTSD ranging from Viet Nam to Korea and Iraq service. I think the major thing I took away from this first class is that Viet Nam vets have coped with their PTSD for decades but when their health fails, or life changes such as a death of a spouse, retirement or, in our case, the end of a ministry shakes their world they are robbed of their coping skills. I was assured, however, that there is hope through treatment for these dear soldiers. Next week we are going to learn about the treatments being used to help the victims of PTSD.

Random thoughts

"In quietness and trust is your strength>"

When I am anxious and fretting because things do not move according to my own timing and plan, I am weak, frazzled and find lots of aches and pains in body, mind and spirit. Oh to trust! “All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well,”

Oh to live in the moment and to live it well not enslaved by all the "if onlys" or "what ifs". Today I want to live well in quietness and trust.

In some of my reading today, I discovered the good news that gerontologists have categorized old age into 3 stages: 65-74 year olds are the young old, 74-84 are the old old, and 85 and over are the oldest old. That means I AM NOT YET OLD!!!! I just thought I was. Ha!

As the bumper sticker says, "Don't believe everything you think!"

On the other hand, Uganda just lowered retirement age from 60 to 55. I guess old age is categorized differently depending on where you live. That means if I still lived in Uganda I would be old but since I now live in the USA I am not old.

I think the issue is not whether or not one is old but how one lives whether young or transitioning into old. A book I am beginning to read, The Gift of Years, Growing Older Gracefully, I anticipate will help me to live creatively,remaining open not closed, humble and able to listen but also willing to give of oneself. I may be writing more on this subject as time goes by.

False Start

I went to VA yesterday for the scheduled Family group but it was a false start as only 3 of us showed. The facilitators apologized but said 3 is not enough for a group. Maybe next Monday, they said. Disappointed? Yes, but it just seems waiting is par for this course. We are still waiting to hear from Deb Wilson with a definite schedule for Jeff's treatment plan. Maybe today. Sigh!

LET'S WORK ON ME

Ironically, we did not get any farther today with VA concerning Jeff's treatment program scheduling. It seems the Admissions Coordinator is on vacation or something. But one outcome of our appointment today was that there is an opening in a Family Education Group meeting on Monday's in the same complex where Jeff has been seen. So next Monday I get to start working on me:)!!!

The first piece of homework literature I was given is called "After the War for wives of all veterans" The first paragraphs really spoke loudly to me:

AFTER THE WAR
Hundreds of thousands of women are facing a silent war, one which has been fought by millions of women before them.

Since the Gulf War, many of those millions of women are fighting it again.

Wives and families of veterans still fight this war alone, in our own homes, untrained, ignorant of the real enemy which once had no name and wasn't supposed to exist.

That enemy is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Many veteras spend the rest of their lives struggling with frightening symptoms and feelings--or the lack of feelings--brought on by traumatic stress. Those symptoms are the forces against which we may fight for the rest of our lives.

The rest of the booklet just continued to set off bells of understanding in my head and heart. I'm so glad we are finally getting this thing out of the closet where we can get help.

Thank God!

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

PTSD

Forty years after Jeff's service in Viet Nam we have recently learned that some of his health issues are directly related to Post Traumatic Stress experienced under fire there and Agent Orange which was a defoliant which also resulted in our troops years later being afflicted by Type II diabetes and heart disease.

A friend who works for VA informed us that the government is now acknowledging the realities of suffering for these war vets and offer compensation. We are also in the process of accessing health care for Jeff's long standing health issues which have been even more pronounced this past couple of years resulting in his physical and mental anguish.

We've been struggling along trying to "keep on keeping on" in our new role as Mission Coaches with WorldVenture but the reality is that Jeff's health issues (and mine which also are being defined as either PTSD from being in war zones or Burnout from the extreme stress over the years) are affecting our ability to do the ministry well. It has been a long road trying to figure out the best path and what health care options to pursue. Our mission wants us both to go to treatment center in Fresno, California called Link Care, but we've been advised by others that the PTSD treatment program through VA would be more beneficial as a starting place with Jeff's issues.

So tomorrow we hope to have a more definite plan as we meet with VA health care staff to determine Jeff's placement in the VA in-patient program for PTSD. It's been long in coming and today seems like it may take forever. But I have hope that we are soon going to get long overdue help.

We will soon be on medical leave from WorldVenture. We have been fighting this, feeling that we will not be fulfilling our responsibilities to our supporters if we take another leave of absence. But there is the "Catch 22" that if we don't take a leave of absence we suffer and the ministry suffers because we are so challenged by our health issues that we cannot do justice to the task.

With treatment and prayers for healing, I have hope that we will come back much stronger given the space and time to get the R & R and the care needed to restore us in body, mind and spirit.

Another Great Nouwen Quote

"As a community of faith we work hard, but we are not destroyed by the lack of results. And as a community of faith we remind one another constantly that we form a fellowship of the weak, transparent to Him who speaks to us in the lonely places of our existence and says: Do not be afraid, you are accepted." Out of Solitude