King David wrote in Psalm 109:21-23 of his own similar experience at a time when he was under great duress. It touched me deeply as I read his words this morning.
O Sovereign Lord, deal well with me for your name's sake; out of the goodness of your love deliver me, for I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me. I fade away like an evening shadow; I am shaken off like a locust. Help me O Lord, my God.
Last night I learned more about PTSD and it's treatment. Central to PTSD is loss: loss of identity, loss of innocence, loss of familiar things, loss of time when all the world seems to shift, loss of relationships and connection, loss of significance, loss of vision and mission, loss of brotherhood with those left behind, loss of purpose, loss of a sense of connectedness with God, loss of self-esteem, loss of home, loss of friends. In the loss, arises the need to grieve. Need to access the emotions tied to those losses even though numb and unable to feel. With treatment perhaps then to integrate who he was before with who he is now and to recognize growth. I learned it is a process, a journey which takes time.
But in the meantime looking for some significant help with the process and the journey, we wait. I watch with some anxiety; will help come soon? I wait with sadness as I see the world move on leaving my wounded soldier in the margins.
Last night Jeff received a phone call at 10 p.m. which moved him to go to his office today and clear out his things to make room for someone who needs that space.
Left a message with the RN at the Mental Health Clinic this morning asking what to expect in the way of treatment? Are they tired of hearing from us? No one has returned that call. Hoping it's just that they are still working on the scheduling.
This afternoon I called his Primary Care Doctor at VA to make an appointment to follow up after his hospital stay. As I spoke with the doctor's office and it became apparent no appointment is available that my heart is pierced as I hear Jeff say, "They don't want to see me?" The doctor will be reviewing Jeff's file and will set up a phone appointment rather than an office visit. After that kind of day, he's gone to bed "not feeling well". My heart is so sad for him today as we wait.
